Finding My Place vol.4: s p i r i t s



"I put my armor on, show you how strong I am. I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am. I'm unstoppable." - Unstoppable - Sia

“Didn’t you hear what I just asked?” Arthit questioned, his eyes sweeping the room as he stood at the front with the other juniors, their hands behind their backs which were as straight as pieces of lumber. “I asked, how many of you are there?”

Silence settled heavily over the room as the students either stared at the ground or looked around wearily at one another. But no one answered the question.

“Answer my question!” He demanded, anger creeping into his voice. “No answer. That means the whole day you spent together, none of you cared about your friends. You can’t even recognize one another.”

I scratched my cheek, keeping my gaze locked on my shoelace. We’re not friends, though. Just because we’re in the same class doesn’t automatically make us friends. Surely he doesn’t except us to be friends with every single person in our class or year, right? That’s just insane.

Arthit started walking toward the group, his eyes locked onto a target. I followed his gaze to a few seats down from where I sat and noticed he was staring at Kong. Oh come on, not again… what is this guy’s damage? He made his way to stand in front of Kong.

“Kongpob, 0062, stand up.”

As ordered, he pulled himself to his feet, looking down at the smaller man, but Arthit wasn’t the least bit intimidated by the height difference.

“How many are you all?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you know?”

“I never counted us.”

“It doesn’t matter. Every question that I ask, you must be able to have an answer. Understand?”

Kong seemed reluctant to answer, but finally said, “I understand.”

Arthit reached into his pocket, pulling out the gear necklace and holding it up as high into the air as he could. “Do you see this gear?”

“Yes.”

“This gear is the gear of your class. It represents the pride of the Faculty of Engineering, and not just any individual. If you can’t prove to me that you are ready to earn it, then leave this place. And I’ll no longer consider you my junior.”

Oh, if only I could. I would give anything to be able to walk out of this room for the final time, never to see the horrifying face of Arthit or Prem or the other upperclassmen. I just want to go home and hide under my covers like a child, reading my manga and pretending that the world outside of my room just simply didn’t exist.

But I couldn’t. Anong would never allow it and if she found out I did so, she would be furious. While I would be perfectly content going back to the states and to my shitty hole in the wall apartment, I knew Taeho deserved better. He had earned this fancy new life of his, and I refused to be the reason that was ripped away from him.

“No, Mr. Kongpob, if I don’t give you this gear, what will you do?”

Kong remained silent and Arthit shook his head, placing the necklace back into his pocket before turning around to return to his spot at the front of the room. “I’ll take it from you,” Kong declared.

Arthit spun back around, his eyes narrowed. “What did you just say?”

“If you don’t give it to us, we’ll just take it from you.”

The other juniors shared surprised looks as a murmur went through the freshmen. My mouth fell open as I stared at Kong in disbelief. He really did have quite the pair on him, my god. If only I could harvest a fraction of that courage, I’d be set for life.

“And how do you plan to do that?” Arthit snapped, getting into the taller boy’s face. I could feel the anger rolling off of his shoulders and I shivered.

“I just have to make you my wife,” Kong stated simply.

He’s insane! My eyes were wide like saucers as I stared at him. He’s got a death wish!

“A husband and wife must share everything,” he continued. I noticed one of the larger juniors stepping up behind Arthit, but I didn’t know if he was there to help his friend or the freshman. “I’ll make you my wife, your gear will be mine as well.”

I jumped when Arthit suddenly grabbed onto the front of Kong’s shirt and I could feel his aura darken. Oh god, he’s going to hit him! This is the man I’m supposed to apologize to? He’ll kill me!

The larger junior took Arthit by the shoulder, tugging him back and away from the freshman and he took a minute, looking between the two males before finally shaking his head and releasing his grip on Kong. It was clear he was still pretty pissed off as he stuck his finger into Kong’s face.

“You think you’re so tough, Mr. Kongpob? Good. I’ll wait and see if you can live up to your words. But right now, the gear is still with me.” Arthit and his friend turned around and started back toward the front of the room, their hands behind their back. “So I have the right to tell you to do anything I like. Kongpob, 0062, give me 200 squats. Go!”

Without arguing, Kong clasped his hands behind his neck and started to squat, counting out loud for each one.

“Don’t look at him!” Arthit ordered, glaring at the other freshmen. Most of them snapped their gazes to the ground, but I couldn’t stop looking at him, a frown on my face. This was just cruel. And we were forced to sit in silence until he did all 200 of them.

When he finally finished, we were ordered to go outside and line up on the field. I took this time to approach Kong, who was near the back of the pack.

“Kong?”

He glanced at me and smiled tiredly. “Aspen.”

“I, uh…” I rubbed the back of my neck. “Thank you. And… I’m sorry.”

“For what?” he questioned, confused.

“Um, well… you really helped me… with the signatures. I never would have…” I shook my head before placing my hands in front of me and bowing. “Thank you so much, Kong!”

He chuckled. “I’m always happy when I can help out friends.”

My heart skipped a beat, my eyes widening. “We… we’re… friends?”

“Of course,” he nodded. “But what were you apologizing for?”

“I got you in trouble,” I muttered, kicking a small pebble that was in front of me. “And then… you got yourself in trouble.”

He nodded, rubbing the back of his head. “I have trouble staying quiet when someone does something that seems wrong to me.”

“Hmm, so you’re like… an engineering hero.”

“I just need a cape,” he laughed.

“You have one already,” I pointed toward his name tag. “Just flip that around and… and there’s your cape!”

He laughed again, louder this time which caught the attention of Prem who was talking only a bit in front of us and to the side of the freshmen group. He glared at us, putting his finger to his lips and shushing us. His glare lingered on me for a moment and I quickly looked away, bringing my fist to my mouth to fake a cough.

The freshmen were lined up on the grass and we were ordered to put our arms over the shoulders of those on either side of us. I felt really uncomfortable being touched, but at least I was sitting between Kong and M, their arms warm and comforting as they rested their arms across my shoulders. I tried to keep my arms hovering above their backs rather than touching them, but it didn’t take long for my arms to start feeling tired so I gave in, resting upon their backs.

“Keep your heads down,” Prem ordered.

And you sure as fuck don’t gotta tell me twice. I dropped my head, staring at a single ant that lingered on a piece of grass in front of me. It was just sitting there, unmoving, and I wondered if it were dead, but as soon as I thought that, it shifted slightly, facing forward as if it, too, were scared of the juniors.

“Hey, guys,” Oak whispered from the other side of Kong, looking between the boys. “I still haven’t finished my assignment. I won’t be attending here tomorrow.

“Shit,” I muttered with a groan, throwing my head back. “I forgot about the assignment…” Maybe I’ll skip, too. These guys terrify me and trigger my anxiety something fierce.

“But the others will get in trouble,” M whispered back with a frown.

“So what? I still haven’t finished my assignment and neither has Aspen. I bet you haven’t either.”

The boy on M’s left, whose name was Tew, I believe, spoke up. “Hey, I think we should tell them that we have a class tomorrow.”

I scoffed at this, earning the attention of the three boys. I cleared my throat, focusing my attention on the ant. “I, uhh… I’m sure that they, they know already…” They just don’t care, I finished in my head.

“What are you talking about?” Prem questioned us, his narrowed eyes looking between the four of us.

M glared at Oak, whispering angrily at him. “Damn it, Oak. You’re too loud. Now we’re in trouble.”

“Stand up!” Prem ordered.

I swallowed hard, a shiver going down my spine. The thought of standing up in front of all these freshmen and being berated again terrified me and I was sure that I would make a fool of myself – again.

“Tew, you get up,” Oak told him.

My eyes snapped over to Tew, my eyes pleading with him.

He looked between us before sighing. “Shit.”

“Trust me,” Oak encouraged.

“Fuck you.” Tew rose his hand into the air before speaking up so Prem could hear him. “Tewtat, number 0075, asking for permission to speak.” He then stood up, waiting for his confirmation.

Prem stepped forward, looking angrily at him. “What were you talking about?”

“We have classes tomorrow,” Tew explained carefully. “and we have assignments that are due on Friday. We’d like to ask to skip the initiation activity tomorrow.”

Holy shit, he actually said it. I gaped at him for a moment before looking at Prem to judge his reaction.

“Permission not granted. It’s your problem to fix.”

The boy standing to Prem’s right, who looked similar to him but softer, shifted his weight and spoke up. “What? Didn’t you think before asking? You’re already a grown man. Learn to manage your time. Don’t you know how to do that?”

No, not really. I wanted to scratch my cheek, but I was too afraid of removing my arm from Kong’s shoulders. I kept repeating not to do anything to draw their attention like a mantra in my head. No matter what happens, just remain silent and keep to myself.

“Sit down,” Prem ordered.

Tew nodded politely. “Thank you.”

“Damn. They should be helping us with our assignments,” M muttered to Oak.

“If they did, would you have the guts to work with them?” Oak asked.

“Who freaking would?”

I noticed Prem staring at them and I pinched M’s shoulder, making him snap his gaze to me. I nodded toward the front where Prem was zeroed in on us and then shook my head, silently telling him to shut his trap, but it was too late.

“Specs! You’re asking for it now,” Prem told him.

Honestly, I was happy he got called out and not me, but I still felt bad for him. In most of the stories I’ve read and anime I’ve watched, there’s a school bully factor, but that’s usually always in high school. Then again, I can’t really think of any media I’ve watched about college kids… I guess it makes sense, though. Wherever there are people, there will always be bullies, whether their abuse is physical or mental.

I frowned at the ant as it slowly crawled down the blade of grass. Or maybe it’s just me. I’ve always been super sensitive. The smallest of things can shift my mood and I cry at the drop of a hat. It’s not like I enjoy being called a crybaby and I’ve tried so many times to control my emotions, but my body just doesn’t listen to me. I don’t have control of my emotions or my body, what a joke.

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“Sugar, ethanol, and hydrogen gas have low boiling points and melting points,” the teacher droned on, pacing the front of the room as she read from the book in her hand.

I honestly tuned out most of what she said, catching only bits and pieces whenever I paused to turn the page of the manga I was reading. It was hidden under my desk, but I doubt she would see it even if I had it on my desktop. Not only was I sitting in the back corner, but the guy that sat in front of me had a large frame that was perfect to hide behind. If I lowered my head a bit, the top part of my body would be completely concealed from her line of sight.

I didn’t hear her speaking when I turned the page, so I sat up a bit straighter to peer over the dude’s shoulder. The teacher was looking at someone in the middle of the room.

“You’re in a classroom and not in a bedroom,” she stated.

I scratched my cheek as I slid back down in my seat. Can you blame them for sleeping, really? She’s been droning on for ages! It’s not that she has a bad or annoying voice or anything, but she could at least try to make it a bit more amusing to keep the engagement of the students.

I tugged my phone from my pocket, tapping the home screen to wake it up. Nearly four in the afternoon, which meant that class was almost over. Just a little bit longer until I get some freedom.

Arthit and Prem flashed in my mind, instantly souring my mood. I didn’t get a chance to speak to them during our last meeting because of Kong’s stunt. Surely they should have calmed down by now… right? I really didn’t want to talk to them, but I knew I had to. This darkness would hang over me until I cleared things up. I had to wonder if I even felt sorry about my actions, though.

Don’t I just want to apologize so they’re not angry at me anymore? What if they sense that? I meant what I said to Arthit – he was being a bully and jerk to Kong. He even lost his temper and put his hands on Kong! Granted, Kong was seriously antagonizing him, but still. And then there’s Prem…

I’ve never seen him smile. He always has a pissed off expression on his face and he can’t talk to any of us without an attitude. Why does he deserve respect because he’s older? He hasn’t done anything worth respect. He’s being a dick, too. Giving him respect would just fuel his ego and make him think his actions are okay, wouldn’t they?

In my opinion, they don’t deserve my apology, but… I’m a lot more terrified of them when they’re angry at me. I groaned, letting my head fall down onto the desk. In the words of the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow:

Why are these things never clear?

“Okay, now,” the teacher gathered her things, smiling at the class. “We will have a quiz next week on what we discussed today. Please review it at home. Class dismissed.”

Oh… maybe I should have paid attention… shit.

I put my unopened notebook into my backpack before carefully placing the manga on top and standing up, slinging the bag onto my shoulder. When I looked up, though, I froze in place, a sense of dread settling in my stomach.

Standing at the door were three older students, wearing those damned purple shirts. The one at the front stepped inside, scanning the room. “Please hurry up and get changed. We’ll meet you at the activity room.”

For fuck’s sake.

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After changing and gathering at the activity room doors, we were led back out onto the field, forced to sit on the grass with our arms around the shoulders of whoever sat beside us. I was sat between Oak and M which, thinking about it now seemed like a really bad idea…

Oak stretched his back, throwing his head back.

“Why are you looking up?” questioned the junior that looked like a softer Prem, immediately making Oak drop his head.

Yup, definitely a bad idea.

He continued, “Do you want to see my handsome face?”

I did my best to hold back my snort, trying to mask it as a cough but I guess he didn’t buy it because his eyes snapped to me.

“What’s wrong? You don’t think I’m handsome?”

I kept my mouth shut, staring at the dirt on my boot.

“Good. Now keep your heads down!”

“What time did I tell you to come?” Arthit inquired.

“Four o’clock,” the group chorused in reply.

“Say it loud and clear! What time did I tell you to come?”

“Four o’clock,” we repeated, louder this time.

“And what time is it now?”

I was tempted to pull my phone out of my pocket but I figured that would be a very bad move, so I looked to M for the answer but he just shrugged. The others glanced around at their friends, but no one seemed to know the answer.

“What time is it now?” he repeated the question louder.

I slowly slid my arm down from Oak’s shoulder, trying not to attract attention as I reached into my pocket for my phone, shimmying it out just enough to see the top of the screen. M pinched my shoulder like I had done to him before nodding toward the front. At first, I felt confused because none of them were looking in my direction, but then I caught the gaze of the large boy to Arthit’s right, the one that had stopped him from going too far with Kong. He was staring me down, but I wasn’t sure if he warning me or daring me.

My heart leapt wildly within my chest as if it had just entered a bouncy house and my fingers clenched around my phone. Holy shit, he hasn’t said a word and yet I still feel like he’s going to devour me. Look away, look away, look away you feckin’ eejit!

“Hey, calm down,” M whispered to me. His voice was the anchor I needed to ground myself and my eyes snapped shut, my head lowering as I quickly slid my phone back into my pocket, my arm back over Oak’s shoulders. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

I took a few deep breaths – in, hold for four seconds, out – and I felt my body slowly starting to relax. It was then that I realized I had been clenching the back of M’s shirt tightly in my fist. “Sorry,” I muttered softly and he nodded, patting my shoulder.

“No, don’t answer,” Arthit finally spoke up, taking a step forward. “I’ll tell you. It’s not 18 minutes and 57 seconds past four pm. You let us stand here and wait. Do you have any sense of responsibility or did you leave it at home?” He paused as if daring someone to speak up. “Never mind. Since it’s your first time, I’ll give you another chance. But I will randomly pick one of you out. If your friend can’t answer my question, you will all be punished.”

My body tensed up again but I did my best not to grip either boys by the shirt. Fuck, what if they choose me? Even if I know the answer my anxiety won’t let me answer properly! And if I mess it up, every one will be punished and blame me for it. Oh, great and powerful Deadpool, please give me the strength to survive this and guide me toward being more like you by not caring what others think and not being afraid of others.

“Number 0062, look up here and stand,” Arthit ordered.

He’s still angry at Kong, I just know it. He wants to punish him, to make everyone resent him if he messes up!

Kong slowly stood up, pulling down the bottom of his shirt as he waited patiently for the older male to speak and pose his question.

“Yesterday, I asked you how many of you there were. Do you remember that?”

How could we possibly forget what happened yesterday? He’s seriously trying to bait Kong, I just hope he doesn’t fall for it.

“I do. The class of 2016, Faculty of Engineering, consists of one thousand-one-hundred and eighteen students. The Industrial Engineering department consists of two-hundred and sixteen students.”

“Good.”

I exchanged a surprised look with M before we turned our attention back to our friend. Our friend… my friend… it still felt weird to say, but weird in a good way. It made me feel warm and happy when I thought of him as my friend. Throughout my isolated life, I’ve only had a couple of friends, and they were all online – which didn’t make them any less real, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel better to have a physical friend in front of me, one I could see and feel and know for a fact actually exists.

I quickly shook my head. Now is not the time to be thinking about this, stay focused, ya eejit!

“But that’s not what I’m asking,” Arthit stated. “I just wanted to remind you.”

He was totally going to ask him! But since he answered and got it right, he has to change his question. How sleazy.

“Now look around you and count out loud. How many of you are here?”

Kong did as he was asked, counting aloud as his eyes went through the rows of students. “There are one-hundred and sixty two of us here.”

“Good. Now, this is my question. I’d like to know where the other fifty-four of your friends are.”

That one should be pretty obvious – they’re tired of being made to feel shitty and unappreciated. They are working their asses off on their assignments and classes and then they come to these meetings to be chewed out for stupid shit. “Of course they won’t come,” I muttered, earning a nudge from M and a hum of agreement from Oak.

“Where are they?” he demanded. “Look up and look around! Look at your friend who couldn’t give me an answer.”

I frowned, shifting uncomfortably. That wasn’t very fair. How could he possibly know where all of those other students are? He ain’t their keeper. Man, I wish I had the stones to tell him that to his face.

“Thus all of you here must be punished.”

“They’re right here,” Kong suddenly answered and I tilted my head to the side, looking at M.

“What, are they ghosts or somethin’?”

M frowned at me. “Don’t say that.”

“Are you scared of ghosts?” Oak grinned, leaning forward to peer around me.

“…they’re scary,” he muttered before looking away. I smiled at him, patting his shoulder. Feels nice knowing I’m not the only one that life likes to terrify.

“What did you just say?” Arthit approached him.

“The other fifty-four students are right here,” Kong declared confidently.

“Open your eyes and look around! How could you say they’re here?”

“They really are here,” he insisted. “In spirit.”

“Called it,” I grinned proudly at Oak, who chuckled in reply. M just rolled his eyes, ignoring the comment.

“Their hearts are with me,” Kong continued.

A murmur erupted from the freshmen, some laughing, others smiling at him. Aish, he’s so cheesy. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think we were stuck in some TV drama rather than real life. What kind of line is that? He’s stirring the pot again, looking for trouble. There’s no way in hell this is going to get us out of punishment. Well, at least a couple of the juniors got a chuckle out of it. Not Arthit, though, and not the big guy behind him either. They remained stoic.

“I guess that’s really thoughtful of them,” Arthit commented. “Since you have their hearts with you, I guess all of you can run fifty-four laps around the field, right?”

I nearly choked on my own spit, my smile dropping from my face as if someone had just slapped it off. The thought of being made to run at all under the blistering sun made me want to start crying, but fifty-fucking-four laps?? I couldn’t even get past, what, eight?

“This place… is going to be my death…” I mumbled to myself, turning my eyes to the azure sky above. There wasn’t a cloud in sight. I wondered if even they didn’t have pity for us or if they were just as scared of these guys as I am.

“It’ll be okay,” M muttered, but he didn’t sound so sure himself.

“No,” Kong replied seriously. “Their hearts are with me alone.”

“Why would their hearts be with you alone?”

“To replace my heart that has been surrendered to you.”

My mouth hung open as I stared at him and his bold statement. The freshmen, and even the older kids started laughing at the situation, but Arthit was growing more and more angry with each passing second.

“Kongpob!”

“Yes.”

“Run fifty-four laps around the field. Go!”

“Yes, sir!” Kong weaved his way through the crowd of freshmen before taking off for the field.

Wait… that’s why he did it! He was playing with fire on purpose, trying to make him angry enough to punish him alone and leave the rest of us alone. This kid… he really is a hero.

“Don’t look!” he barked angrily.

I started to slowly lift my arm off of M’s shoulder to raise it up but M stopped me with a shake of his head and a warning look. That was enough to make me too nervous to address Arthit, lowering my arm back to his shoulders.