Finding My Place vol.5: g i r l



"When I'm trying be myself, it isn't so simple anymore. Some days I wake up, I just wanna hide under the covers, 'cause no matter what I do, I'll never be like all the others." - O.D.D. - Hey Violet

“Hey, Aspen.”

I glanced up from the manga I was reading, sending M a questioning look. We lived on the same floor and we were waiting for the elevator to reach our floor so we could head to class. “Yes?”

“Do you… play Dota?”

“I’ve heard of it,” I mumbled, focusing on my manga. Though I was starting to feel more comfortable around M, I still felt a bit awkward, especially one-on-one. “But I’ve never tried it…”

“Oh, okay.”

Silence settled over us as the elevator arrived and we stepped inside. I shifted, unable to focus on the words. “I, umm… I used to play WoW.”

“Oh, that’s a good one,” he commented, nodding his head. “I didn’t like the subscription, though.”

“That’s why I stopped,” I frowned, thinking of my forgotten characters, sitting on the screen just waiting for me to return to play them. “What was your main?”

“Moonkin druid. I tried healing a couple of times, but…”

“Too stressful?” I suggested, and he nodded.

“If it’s not the tank’s fault, it’s the fault of the healer. The dps never get blamed, though.”

“So true, even though it’s usually the dps’ fault for putting out too much damage or hitting before the tank has the aggro.” I shook my head. “I did that once, attacked before the tank had everyone because I didn’t realize he was going to pull the whole room. We ended up wiping because I couldn’t take the damage and then the healer pulled aggro trying to keep me alive. Man, the tank was so angry! He sent me this huge essay of text as to why his job is so important and how, as a dps, I should be able to do this much.”

“Wow, really?”

“Yeah. I wasn’t the best dps, though.”

The elevator lurched as it landed on the bottom floor, dinging softly before the doors slid open. I followed M from the elevator in a comfortable silence as we headed toward our first class of the day. It wasn’t until we reached the door that he paused, turning toward me.

“You didn’t tell me your main.”

“Oh… human rogue.” I rubbed the back of my head. “I know it’s boring to play humans, but I enjoy them.”

“Not boring. I played night elf because the Worgen walks funny.” He scrunched up his nose and I laughed, following him inside.

I wasn’t sure if M considered me a friend or not, or if he was just being nice because Kong considered me one. Either way, I feel like I made a bit of progress. I’m starting to feel comfortable around him which makes me feel happy inside, if a little nervous. But…

My smile slowly dropped as I looked over at him sitting with Kong, Tew, and Oak. They all seemed so close and happy together. Even if they were friendly to me on the rare occasions I was around them, I knew I wasn’t part of their group. I glanced at May and her two friends, Maprang and Praepailin. They were friendly with me, too, but I couldn’t be considered part of their group. I’ve only talked to May a couple of times and replied to a couple good mornings from Prae because she lives on the same floor as me and M.

Maybe it was better this way. I’m too emotionally unstable, too easily hurt and upset. Being in their group could make things awkward for them. For me. I decided to avoid them if I could. I didn’t want to burden them and I certainly didn’t want to get my hopes up. If you don’t let yourself be put into a situation where you can be hurt, you won’t be.

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The hazing meetings were getting harder and the juniors were getting meaner. Nothing we did was good enough for them and we ended up having to redo it a bunch of times. They made us do squats as a group and I struggled to keep up, my legs threatening to give out on me and since I wasn’t with M and Kong, I had no support. The random students on either side of me paid me no mind, focusing on themselves and their friends. We were forced to run laps until we all but collapsed.

Less and less students were showing up to the meetings and it seemed as if every conversation going on around me was about the unfair treatment and how they refused to deal with it anymore. Not only that, but our assignments were also getting harder and we were being given more quizzes.

My body, my mind, my spirit… it felt as if they were all going to break. I’m just so tired, I want to sleep, to hibernate like a fucking bear until all of my problems have gone away, given up on me. With a sigh, I returned to my work, which I only half understood. I was working on my report, but I couldn’t write this one word properly. No matter how many times I erased it and tried to copy it exactly from my phone, it just didn’t look anything like it should. I erased it for the tenth time too roughly and the paper ripped.

With a groan of frustration, I threw the pencil at the table. Every thing seemed to move in slow motion as the end of the pencil bounced off the table before slowly ascending, flipping through the air until it collided with the chest of a junior. But not just any junior, it was the big guy that had stopped Arthit from hurting Kong.

I watched pitifully as the pencil flopped to the ground, my shoulders shaking.

Dead. I’m dead.

I swallowed hard, feeling tears stinging at my eyes but I refused to let them win as I stood up quickly, bowing at the hip. “I am s-so sor-ry!” I squeezed my eyes shut, willing everything to just disappear.

I heard him pick up the pencil, heard his shoes on the floor as he stepped closer, the pencil clanking softly as he placed it onto the table. “You shouldn’t throw things when you’re frustrated.”

His voice sent a new wave of anxiety throughout my body, my heart leaping against my ribs. “Y-Yes, sir!”

“Are you scared of me?”

Yes. Very much so. “I… I, uh… no?” I cringed at how weak my voice was, but he didn’t comment on it.

“Good. Mind if I sit?”

Why the fuck is he asking for my permission? What if it’s another trick? No, I don’t want you to sit, I want you to go away so my heart can calm down before it stops beating! “G-Go ahead…”

He nodded, settling himself down on the other side of the table. When I didn’t sit back down, he raised a brow at me expectantly. “You can sit.”

I quickly nodded, nearly falling into my seat. What the fuck do I do now? I shakily reached for the pencil, thankful that the tip hadn’t broken. The page had a pretty decent sized hole in it which I knew the teacher wouldn’t be happy about. Well, at least it’s a good excuse to avoid that damned letter for a bit longer. I was aware of him watching me as I ripped the page from my notebook, setting it off to the side so I could copy the words down onto a new page. Good thing, too, because there’s no way I can think properly with him watching.

“What has you so frustrated, 0018?” he finally asked, leaning forward to see what I was writing.

The tip of the pencil nearly snapped when I pressed down too hard, now sitting crookedly in the wood. There’s no way in hell I can tell him that I was struggling to write a single word – and a basic one at that. He’ll laugh in my face before going off to tell all of his friends.

“U-Um… I…” I swallowed hard, forcing my eyes to focus on the words before me. “I’m just… tired?”

“You don’t sound so sure,” he commented. “I’ve been watching you for a while. You’ve been writing and erasing the same thing. Are you struggling with a certain word?”

“If you knew then why’d you ask?” I snapped with a groan before realizing what I did. A rush of blood flooded my cheeks and I glanced up at him to see if he was angry, but he had just raised his eyebrow in response. “I-I’m sorry…”

He hummed. “What’s the word?”

I hesitated, shifting in my seat. I mumbled it under my breath.

“Hm? I can’t hear you, speak up.”

I frowned, running my hand through my hair. “…Thursday. I can’t… write it properly…”

He suddenly stood up and I groaned internally. He’s going to go to his friends and make fun of me! Everyone will know that the crybaby foreigner can’t even write a simple word taught in most elementary schools. To my surprise, he settled down beside me, holding out his hand. I looked at him in confusion.

“Hand me the pencil.”

“Oh…” I did as he asked, hoping that he couldn’t see my hand trembling. He was so close, his shoulder nearly touching mine. I could smell his cologne, something mixed between warm vanilla and pine. It was a calming scent, not too overpowering but strong enough to know it when you smelt it. And his eyes were beautiful up close, a rich brown color that seemed darker the closer away you got.

His eyes met mine and he didn’t look impressed. “Were you even listening?”

“Uh…” my eyes fell to the table and I realized that he had written the word on the torn sheet of paper, his handwriting neat and clean, as if it had just been written with some fancy font on a computer and printed out. “How the fu -“

“Pay attention,” he ordered, but it was much softer than the other juniors’ orders typically were.

I placed my hands beneath the table, clenching at my slacks as I watched him write the word again, slowly so I could see just how he wrote each letter. He made it look so easy, the pencil gliding across the paper. Then again, he’s been writing these letters and words all of his life.

“Now, you try it. Copy what I did.” He slid the page back in front of me before holding the pencil out.

My hand shook lightly when I took it from him, taking a deep breath to try and calm my nerves as I looked down at the paper. My eyes traced the letters and I did my best to remember how he had written them. The pencil touched the paper and I hesitated before doing my best to copy what he had done, but it ended up looking like it would if an octopus found a pen and decided he wanted to write a novel by hand. I groaned, gripping the pencil tighter.

“Don’t get frustrated,” he told me, folding his arms on the table. “It won’t help, it will only make it harder for you. Looking at the rest of the paper, your writing isn’t bad.”

“But?” I mumbled, knowing it was coming.

“But it it’s obvious that you’re not confident writing them. I can see every time you hesitated or second-guessed yourself, which is a lot.”

I frowned, knowing he was right. Every time I write something, I always hesitate because I feel like I’m writing it wrong. I worry that no one will be able to read or understand it.

“You worry too much,” he stated. “It’s perfectly legible. It’s better than Bright’s handwriting and he’s not a foreigner.”

I had no clue who that was, but I assumed it was one of the other two unnamed juniors that were always with Arthit. Was it Prem Jr or the one with the glasses, though? I really should ask Kong if he knows their names…

“Here, try this.” He tapped the paper, looking over at me. “Write each letter of the word separately in a straight line down the page.”

I scratched my cheek, wanting to question him about why he was asking me to do this and how the feck it was meant to help. I guess he sensed my hesitation, probably because I hadn’t yet started to do what he told me to.

“Just do it.”

I nodded, scanning the letters once more before copying them down separately, one beneath the other.

“Strange,” he mused as his eyes scanned the letters. “When you write them separately, they look fine. Try writing Thursday again.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes.”

With a gentle huff, I did as he told me, writing the word once more but, just as before, it came out looking deformed and weird, not at all like his own version. “Why~” I cried, dropping my head to the table.

He hummed, tugging the paper from beneath my head so he could look at it closer. “No idea, but it’s not entirely illegible. The teacher should be able to understand what you’re saying, especially in the context of the sentence. Don’t stress too much over it or you’ll never finish the report.”

I felt him standing up and I quickly stood up after him, clapping my hands together in front of me before bowing. “T-Thank you!”

He only smiled and started to walk away.

“Ah, wait!” I stumbled over the bench but didn’t move any closer. He paused, raising an eyebrow expectantly. “I, uhh… thank you… for not letting Arthit hit Kong.”

He seemed surprised by this. “I don’t think he would have, but he shouldn’t have grabbed him. Anything else?”

I wrung my hands, focusing on the breast pocket of his purple shirt. “Can… ah, I mean… your name?”

“Knot,” he smiled at me and my heart fluttered, making me swallow hard. “Make sure your not late for the next meeting, Aspen.”

My knees gave out beneath me but I caught myself on the bench, staring at his back as he walked away. I felt winded, as if I had just stepped off the track after doing laps again and my heart was beating funny, but it wasn’t like it normally did when I was feeling anxious. This was different and it scared me to the point that my heart rate changed again, this time to that familiar feeling of anxiousness. What the fuck was that?

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Our group was outside beside the track, standing beneath a large tree that mostly shielded the harsh rays of the sun. Instead of facing the juniors and their hazing team, we were facing Yacht and his team, who were considerably kinder to us than their upperclassmen. They were teaching us the Faculty’s cheer, first by demonstrating how it went and then telling us to repeat it.

I most definitely did not want to because it felt very embarrassing to do, but I didn’t want to disappoint Yacht who had been so kind to me so I clenched my jaw and followed the others as they put their arms over the shoulders of whoever was beside them. We had to bow in-synch with each other while chanting and our team work wasn’t that great.

“E-N-G-I-N-E-E-R!” the group chorused.

“I’ve ordered you to do that several times already,” the long-haired girl, whose name I learned was Duangkamol or Kam, for short, shook her head at us, looking disappointed.

“What you did just now was fine,” said the girl with the bun, whose name was Cream, “but I want it to have more power. Okay? Try again.”

Yacht straightened his back, hands on his hips. “We are engineers, ready? Three, four!”

I suppressed a sigh as the students on either side of me forced me into bowing as we started the chant all over again. Why is this chant even needed? And why do we have to bob up and down like we’re trying to grab apples? It’s giving me a major headache.

“E-N-G-I-N-E-E-R!”

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“Hey,” Kong smiled at me as he stopped in front of me, Oak and M close behind. “We’re going to get some food, would you like to join us?”

Oh, no one’s ever invited me out for food before! “Sure!” But then I remembered the lack of money within my pocket and frowned. “Oh, um… actually, I can’t.”

“How come?” M questioned.

“Ah, well…” I rubbed the back of my neck. “I don’t have any money… thank you, though.”

“I’ll pay for you,” Kong smiled.

“Ah, no, I couldn’t…”

“Don’t worry, you can pay me back later, come on.”

I really wanted to join them, which overpowered the guilt I felt at not being able to pay for my own food. When we arrived at the restaurant, Tew and Waad, the boy who swapped shirts with Kong, were already sitting at a table and they waved us over. Tew, Oak, and Kong sat on one side of the table while I sat between M and Waad.

I mostly stayed silent while they talked, adding a comment when I found it necessary or when someone talked to me directly. They discussed the games they were playing, the manga that they were currently reading, the assignments we had been given, and the hazings that the juniors kept giving us.

When it came to ordering, I chose the cheapest food I could and got a water to drink, which cost nothing. Despite being cheap, the food was really good and it hit the spot. After finishing my dish, I leaned back on the bench, observing the others as they chatted animatedly with one another.

Just a couple months ago, I never would have dreamed that I would be out getting dinner with a group of people I could considered my friends. I thought something like this could only open if I was in one of my favorite anime, but it’s happening before me right now and I honestly couldn’t be happier. It seemed almost like a dream but, if it was, I never wanted to wake up.

“Do you think the hazing will get worse?” Oak questioned before sipping his drink.

Waad stood up and headed outside, looking annoyed. Kong smiled at us before following after him.

I shrugged at him, sliding down in my seat. “My mom used to always say that things will get worse before they get better. Something tells me that the same applies to the hazing.”

“Probably,” M muttered. “I don’t get why they’re doing this.”

“Because they hate us,” Oak answered with a shrug.

“I believe that,” I groaned, throwing my head back. “I bet they’re sadists.”

“Hey, Aspen,” Oak grinned, leaning forward. “I’ll give you thirty baht if you say that to one of them.”

“Hell no,” I snapped, glaring at him. “I’d rather wear pink for the rest of my life.”

“You hate pink?” Tew questioned, tilting his head to the side.

“Yeah… it’s my least favorite color,” I responded shyly, still not fully comfortable around Tew. Not that he wasn’t super nice or anything, but I just haven’t really interacted with him much.

“How come?”

“Not sure… I’ve just always hated it. I refuse to wear it.”

“You’re so weird,” Oak commented, sipping his drink.

My nose wrinkled. “You’re one to talk!”

Tew laughed at us before reaching into his pocket. “Money, money.”

M dug around in his pocket, producing a single bill. “I have twenty baht here.”

“Here’s my share,” Oak pulled out a folded bill of his own, handing it to Tew.

“What?”

“Help me out here. I’ll pay you back later.”

Tew rolled his eyes but accepted the bill before turning to M and taking his.

“This is all my dad gave me,” M explained before turning to Kong who had just returned, taking the seat where Waad had been sitting on my left. “Where’s Waad?”

“He said he’s going to head home first.” He dug into his back pocket before pulling out a couple of bills. “This covers me, Waad, and Aspen.”

“Look there,” Tew pointed at Kong before taking the money. “It’s six-hundred baht.”

I smiled sheepishly at Kong. “I should get some money from my dad in a couple of days… I promise to pay you back.”

“With interest?” Oak wondered.

Kong laughed. “Don’t worry, just pay it back when you can. I’m not bothered.”

M shook his head, pointing at the wad of money in Tew’s hand. “Waad rarely turns up to class. Neither does he hang out with friends.”

“Kong, I have something to ask you,” Oak stated, looking over at Kong. “That day, why did you say you were going to make that senior your wife?”

“Oh, I wanna know that, too,” I commented, turning my body a bit so I could see him better. “Is it because of what he made you do at lunch?”

Kong shook his head. “I couldn’t help it. He started it.”

“I knew it,” M stated, pointing at his friend. “You’re playing with fire, and we will be the ones who’ll end up with burns. Those seniors are damn scary.”

“Why are you scared?” Kong inquired, looking between us with confusion. “They’re also humans.”

“Because humans are terrifying,” I muttered, sliding down in my seat. “You know, I’ve read a lot of stories about monsters – vampires, werewolves, demons. Even so, their deeds are never as bad as stories about human cruelty. The real question is, how can you not be afraid of them?”

Oak nodded. “She’s on to something! They might not be humans.”

“What are they, then?” Kong questioned, not believing what he was saying.

“The ghosts of seniors who haven’t been reincarnated yet and stayed around to haunt the freshmen,” Oak told them before sticking out his tongue and waving his fingers trying to scare us. Tew pushed his head away, laughing at him and M threw a piece of ice at him. “What the hell was that for?”

“Have you heard about the ghosts in the Education Building?” Tew questioned, leaning back with his arm over the back of the bench.

“What?” Oak looked at him questioningly. “There are ghosts?”

“They say that, at night, people hear wailing sounds from the Education Building.” Kong and M exchanged a disbelieving look, which made Tew smirk at them. “You don’t believe me? Let me tell you. One day, some junior forgot his revision sheet. So he went into the building at night by himself to retrieve it. When he got to the building, he heard wailing sounds coming from a classroom. He decided to open the door and saw a guy. Then he asked him if everything was all right.”

Tew was a good story teller. He had hooked all of us and I found myself leaning forward as I listened intently, wondering how his tale would conclude and if he was going to try to jump scare us like Oak did.

“That guy slowly turned toward him, and moved closer… and closer.”

The tension was building, I felt it as if I were there with the guy in his story. I nodded, hanging onto his words.

“The guy’s face was full of blood. More importantly…” Tew shifted, lifting his foot up onto the piece of wood beneath the bench, resting his arm on his knee. “the guy shouted, ‘Silence!'”

His sudden shout made both me and M jump in surprise and M muttered curses under his breath.

Tew continued, “‘Every one of you, keep your heads down!'”

“You douche!” Oak laughed, slapping him on the arm. “What was that?”

“What the hell?” M laughed. “He’s still a hazer even in the afterlife?”

I hummed, thinking about his tale. “They may be on to something, though. That would explain why we’ve never seen the teacher’s talking to them, the juniors.”

“See? She gets it!” Oak clapped at me.

“She?” Tew looked at me in surprise and so did M.

Together, they chorused, “You’re a girl?”

I nodded, picking at a loose thread on my jeans. Was this going to change things? Would they treat me differently because they now know I’m a girl? I didn’t want that. I didn’t want them to treat me like a fragile thing, even though my emotional state was very fragile. But that’s not because I’m a girl! It’s just because I’m fucked up. There’s a difference.

“Since when?” M asked dumbly, staring at me. We all looked at him and he cleared his throat, realizing what he said. “I mean, um… you hide it well…”

“Is this… going to change things?” I mumbled softly, unable to look at them. “I… I didn’t mean to hide it, I wasn’t trying too…”

Tew smiled kindly at me, flicking his bangs away from his eyes. “No, why would it? You haven’t changed, we’re still friends.”

“Yeah! You’re still a little weirdo, don’t worry.” Oak grinned before turning to look at M and Tew. “I can’t believe you guys didn’t realize it. It’s so obvious.”

“It is not,” M muttered, crossing his arms.

“It might be my fault.” I offered him an apologetic smile. “I wear the boy’s uniform, my hair is short, and…”

“And what?” Oak leaned forward, curious.

My cheeks heated up at the thought of telling them. “D-Don’t judge… okay?”

Kong patted my shoulder. “Don’t worry, we won’t.”

“You don’t have to answer if you’re uncomfortable,” Tew told me kindly.

“Well… I… also wrap… them,” I stated.

“Them?” Oak’s brow furrowed. “Who?” I motioned toward my chest and he caught on. “Oh…”

“Do you mind if I ask why? And why do you wear the boy’s uniform?” Tew wondered, tilting his head to the side.

“Well… I’ve always been a tomboy but I’ve never bound them before. But… when the juniors started making us doing exercise, they started to bother me. It was painful and annoying.”

Oak nodded in understanding.

Tew rubbed his chin in thought. “Why didn’t we notice before you started binding them?”

“Probably because my clothes are baggy,” I supplied. “I get kind of… anxious when my clothes are too tight. As for the uniform question… well, makeup and clothes… they’ve never mattered to me. I’d rather talk to Prem than wear a skirt!”

Looks of terror came across Tew and Oak’s faces as they sat up straighter. Oh no. No, this is not an anime, there’s no way… they can’t be…

“Is that right?” came an annoyed voice from behind me, making my heart sink down into my stomach.