Finding My Place vol.10: f o r e i g n e r



"I hope some day I'll make it out of here, even if it takes all night or a hundred years. Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near. Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear." - Lovely - Billie Eilish, Khalid

Arthit stopped on the steps beside us, his friends remaining on the top step as they observed us. Kong stood up when he noticed them, prompting me to do the same.

"What are you two doing here?" Arthit questioned, folding his arms over his chest.

"We're waiting for our friends," Kong answered.

I peeked over Kong's shoulder, having to take the next step up because of how tall he was, and I met Knot's eyes as he stood behind Arthit. Warmth flooded me as it always did when our eyes met and I found myself gripping the back of Kong's t-shirt, focusing instead on Arthit's shirt.

Arthit glanced at me before meeting Kong's gaze. "Do you know why I kicked both of you out today?"

Kong and I both answered at the same time, but our answers were vastly different: "We spoke out of turn." "Because we made you upset." We exchanged a look.

"You did speak out of turn," Arthit confirmed. "What was I upset about?"

We exchanged a look again and I nodded, giving him the okay to take charge. "We offered to help the sophomores."

"I kicked you both out today because I told you that we didn't need a hero."

"What do you mean?" he questioned, a smile on his lips.

"We weren't…" I spoke up, earning the gaze of the other hazers, including Prem's, his eyes seeming to burn through me. I cleared my throat, gripping Kong's shirt tighter as I practically rested my chin on his shoulder. "We weren't t-trying to be… heroes. We just… the sophomores, they are kind and helpful and… and they don't deserve to be abused b-because we fucked up."

"She's right," Kong confirmed, but it wouldn't be Kong if he didn't at least try to antagonize the juniors. "Or were you just upset that we wanted to offer our help? I didn't want to stand out, and I know Aspen didn't. We only wanted to help our friends."

"Does that mean your friends must wait for you to step up? And if your friends get in the habit of needing someone to lead them, how will they solve a problem themselves the next time?" Arthit questioned. "And if your friends need to wait for someone to lead them without stepping up and fixing the problem on their own… then they don't deserve to be my juniors. Do you understand?"

"That's bullshit," I muttered, narrowing my eyes at his collarbone.

"What did you say?"

"I said -" I pulled away from Kong, stepping around him.

Kong took my by the arm, shaking his head. "Aspen, don't. Let it go."

"I can't," I told him, patting his hand. "I have to say this. Just… when they kill me, make sure I'm buried somewhere nice and cool, like Japan under a -"

"Cherry blossom tree," he chuckled, giving me a nod. "I will."

"Okay," I took a deep breath, clearing my throat as I turned to face Arthit. Everything within me said to look away from his gaze, but I forced myself to meet his gaze, ignoring the chill that went down my spine. "For people… like me… we, um… we need people l-like Kong to s-survive… Not everyone is… is a leader and there's n-nothing wrong with t-that! To say that… that we don't d-deserve to be your juniors j-just because we… we aren't strong or, or brave like Kong… that's bullshit. Maybe… maybe you don't d-deserve to be our senior!"

"Aspen!" Prem snapped, his arms falling to his sides.

Arthit stepped forward, getting into my face, his eyes blazing but he didn't seem angry. "And yet here you are, speaking up for yourself without his help."

"It's b-because of his help," I corrected, swallowing the lump that had formed in my throat. My fingers were trembling and it felt as if my legs had disappeared, but I tried to stay firm. "Kong gives me the… the courage to face you… even though y-you terrify me… without him, I… would never be a-able to…"

His brow furrowed the slightest bit, the corner of his lips twitching. "You give him too much credit."

"I don't g-give him enough," I replied, finally ripping my eyes from his. Kong put his hand on my shoulder and I took a step back to put some space between myself and the head hazer. The scent of his cologne, along with the pressure of the situation, was giving me a headache.

"You were both saved by your friends today. Therefore, I will let you attend the hazing meeting next time." Arthit lifted his finger, wagging it at the two of us. "But this is your last warning. Do not act like a hero again. Do you both understand?"

"I do."

Silence settled but they didn't walk away. Kong nudged me in the side and I looked at him then to the hazers, who were all looking at me expectantly. "Um…"

Arthit rolled his eyes, leaning forward. "Do you understand?"

"Oh… uh, sure. Y-Yeah… totally…" I saluted him with two fingers and he shook his head, beginning to turn away from us. I caught Knot's gaze, his beautiful brown eyes glinting under the bright lights of the building. And then to Prem, whose eyes were still full of anger as he glared at me. Guess he's back to hating me… that didn't last long.

"Wait, Arthit," Kong called out, a smile on his face.

I felt like I was intruding on something personal, so I tapped his upper arm. "I'm just… gonna go wait over there." I climbed down the steps behind him, tuning them out as they started to talk. I breathed in deeply, trying to calm my racing heart with the fresh air outside. What the hell's gotten into me lately? It's like there's two personalities fighting inside of me - one is terrified of people and is perfectly fine being walked on, but the other is super opinionated and can't stand dealing with stuff it doesn't like.

I sighed, pulling out my phone and navigating to Spotify. If only I really could be a hero, like the characters from Boku no Hero Academia. Life would be so much easier if I had strength like them, but I don't. I'm just a weak little human that's afraid of everyth -

A hand gripped my shoulder and I squeaked, nearly dropping my phone. I fumbled for a minute before finally getting a good grip on it, holding it against my racing heart. Man, I had just gotten it back to a semi-normal rhythm, now it's trying out for a marathon again. I looked up, expecting to see Kong, but it was Prem, an annoyed look on his face, though it was considerably softer than it had been a few moments ago. The other hazers stood a few feet behind him, watching him curiously as they talked amongst themselves.

"I-If you're trying to… to get rid of me by h-heart attack…" I breathed out, "t-then I think you're… succeeding."

"Sorry," he muttered, not releasing his grip on my shoulder as he stepped forward. "I thought we were over this disrespect shit."

"I… I wasn't…" I shook my head. "D-Don't misunderstand. I wasn't… being disrespectful. At least, t-that wasn't my… my intention. I just… I really wanted him to… to understand… I don't think I-I succeeded…" I frowned at the ground, lowering my hand from my chest. "I just… I don't know, I… want to… to explain how I… how I see things, I w-want him to understand, but I… I'm just m-making things worse… aren't I?" Tears clung to my lashes and I cursed, rubbing at them with the back of my hand.

"Oi, don't cry," he whispered harshly, shifting his body so I couldn't see the other hazers.

"S-Sorry…"

He sighed deeply, finally releasing his grip and holding his hand out. "Let me see your hand."

Confused, I held out my left hand only for him to smack it with his own.

"Not that one, dummy, your injured one."

"Oh… right…" I shifted my phone to my other hand before holding it out to him, still wrapped in a bandage.

"Have you not changed the bandage since I put it on you?" he questioned, disbelief on his face.

"Uh… well… I kind of… forgot."

"What do you mean you 'forgot'?!" he cried out, looking like he wanted to smack me, but he managed to restrain himself.

"Everything okay?" Bright called out curiously, leaning forward on the balls of his feet.

Prem glanced over his shoulder. "It's fine."

I grinned sheepishly. "There's been… a lot going on…"

"No excuses," he narrowed his eyes at me, holding my hand up until it was level with my face. "Go back to your dorm and clean it. That's an order."

I wasn't about to tell him that I didn't have anything to clean it with and didn't have the money to buy anything to clean it with. Instead, I just nodded. "Yes, sir."

"And stay out of trouble, for fuck's sake."

"I'll… do my best."

"That means nothing," he rolled his eyes, dropping my hand so he could shove his into his pockets.

I heard footsteps behind us and I turned around, finding Kong and the rest of the boys descending the steps, looking wearily at Prem.

Prem glared at them before sending me a look. "Don't forget." And then he walked back to his group of friends before they took off, the only one sparing us a glance being Knot, who looked a bit concerned.

"Kong," M called out as he watched the hazers disappear around the corner. "What did you do to piss him off again? And you, Aspen, Prem looked ready to murder someone."

"I didn't do anything," Kong replied innocently.

"Me neither," I supplied, putting my hands in my pockets and exchanging a smile with the taller boy.

"They said they didn't do anything," M pointed at Tew and Oak in disbelief. "They were obviously upset."

"They're in a constant state of upset, M," I told him, but he didn't look as if he believed me.

Kong stepped closer to them, an amused glint in his eyes. "I just pulled a small prank on him. Come on, let's go back." He turned on his heel and started toward the opposite direction that the hazers had gone.

"He's scary," M complained. "Why would you pull a prank on him?"

"I agree," Tew laughed, his arm around Oak's shoulders.

I was walking beside Kong and I looked over my shoulder at them with a grin. "Because it's amusing, obviously."

"Eh? Are you insane?"

"I'll have you know, M, I was tested for insanity when I was five and I passed. Just barely, but a pass is a pass."

Oak laughed, readjusting his glasses. "Definitely insane."

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" Excuse me ."

My head snapped up at the sound of English words being used and I found a tall male, obviously American, with dirty blonde hair cut short but with a little spike, and crystal blue eyes. From where I sat, he looked like he was taller than even Kong. " Y-You speak English? "

He grinned widely, showing off a set of teeth that seemed far too white. " I do! I left California to study here in Bangkok. How about you? "

" I l-left New York when my d-dad remarried… " I smiled, shifting when he sat down beside me on the bench, a bit too close for my comfort but there's no way I was going to tell him that.

" I heard there was another foreigner over in the Faculty of Engineering so I just had to come say hi, " he grinned.

If he heard that, then that must mean people are talking about me… right? I don't like the thought of that, but I guess that makes sense. When there's a foreigner in a place they usually aren't, people tend to talk. " So, y-you're not in the E-Engineer Faculty? "

" No, I'm in the Faculty of Arts. My great grandfather was a painter when he lived in France and I want to follow his footsteps. Why did you choose the Engineering Faculty? "

" I, uh… " I rubbed the back of my neck. " It's what my… step-m-mother wanted. "

He tilted his head to the side. " But not what you want? You should tell her that. "

" N-No way! " I waved my hands frantically. " I c-could never do that! Ray and Mai a-already hate me, if I tried to… to tell them I don't w-want to be h-here… " I shook my head then forced a smile. " Well, I-I've adjusted so it's o-okay! "

" Wait a minute, " his eyes widened and he leaned toward me, uncomfortably close. " You're saying Ray and Mai Tan are your siblings?! "

I hesitantly nodded, a feeling of anxiety beginning to creep up on me. " Y-Yeah… why? "

" They're the most popular of the fourth years! " he exclaimed, taking my hands in his.

My heart started to race in my chest and I felt fear in the back of my mind, as if I were in danger. I tried to calm myself, repeating that I wasn't actually in danger, but my body refused to accept that. It was entering fight-or-flight mode again.

" Can you introduce us? "

" I-I don't think… " I swallowed, trying to pull my hands away, but his grip was tight. " T-That's not a good… a good idea… "

" Oh come on, I'm sure it'll be fine! Please? I'd really like to meet them and you're the first person I've met that actually knows them! " He leaned even closer, bringing my hands to his chest.

I tried pulling my hands away again but his grip tightened. " L-Let me g-go… please… "

" Us foreigners have to stick together, Aspen. "

" H-How do you… know my n-name? " I tried hard to pull myself free from his grasp, pulling myself up the bench but he followed me, stepping closer as his eyes shimmered under the early afternoon sun.

"What's going on here?"

My eyes snapped over and I nearly cried out in relief upon seeing Knot. He was glaring at the other male with a fierceness and anger I had never seen on his face before. Tears stung at my eyes but I willed them not to fall.

"Nothing at all," the man replied with a kind smile, finally releasing me so he could properly greet his upperclassman. "We were just bonding because we're both foreigners. Right?"

Now free of his grip, I took a step back, focusing on my boots, but I could feel him staring at me. I didn't want to agree because we certainly weren't bonding, but I didn't want to cause trouble, either. What if it was just my anxiety making me over-react? But… what if it wasn't?

"She doesn't seem to comfortable with you," Knot stated, taking a step closer. "Maybe you should just go."

He hummed, looking between us before he leaned toward me. " Let's talk later, okay? We can arrange a time to meet up with your siblings. Bye-bye, Aspen."

I frowned at his back as he walked away cheerfully. A chill went down my spine as his words replayed in my mind. They seemed almost… sinister. But again, I can never tell with my anxiety if I'm just over-reacting or if something really is as bad as it seems. It can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

"Aspen."

My eyes snapped up to meet Knot's. I quickly greeted him with my hands clasped. "H-Hello…"

He stood in front of me now, his hands in the pockets of his purple shirt and a frown on his face. "What was that?"

"I, uh…" I looked over but the man was no longer in sight. "I'm not s-sure…"

"What did he say to you?"

I recounted how our encounter happened - how he had approached me and how the conversation seemed fine, normal. "When I m-mentioned my… step-siblings, he… he got… weird."

"Who are your siblings?" he questioned softly.

"Chaloem Ray and Mayuree Mai Tan," I answered quietly, wondering if it would backfire that I was telling people about them. "T-They're fourth years…"

"I know them," he shook his head, shifting his weight. "I didn't know they had another sibling."

I nodded. "M-My dad… married their mom… b-but, please don't… don't tell a-anyone!"

"Why not?" he tilted his head to the side, curiosity shining in his beautiful brown eyes.

"T-They… aren't fond of m-me… it's b-better if… if people don't k-know… please." I bowed my head, placing my hands together in front of me.

"I won't tell," he said softly, taking me by the shoulders to get me to stand up straight. "On one condition."

I met his gaze with a furrowed brow, feeling my face heating up at how close he was to me, my heart doing that fluttering thing that it had been doing for some time now. "W-What is it?"

"If he messes with you again, I want you to let me know. Understand?"

Why? That's the first question that came to my mind, but I didn't voice it. Maybe I'm not the first person this guy had made uncomfortable. I hesitantly nodded. "O-Okay."

"Give me your phone," he demanded, holding out his hand.

"M-My phone, what… what for?" I wondered, fumbling in my pocket for my phone and shakily setting it against his palm.

He chuckled in reply, taking the phone and beginning to tap away on the screen. "So you can text me if he messes with you. I'll send a message to my phone so I can save your number later."

Oh… oh my… what is this… this warmth I'm feeling?? Usually when my anxiety sparks, it's this deathly cold feeling, but this… this is something I've never felt before.

"Here." He handed the phone back and I took it with trembling fingers, squeezing it tightly so I didn't drop it because that would be embarrassing. "I have to get going. See you later."

"A-Ah, thank y-you," I bowed my head at him and he smiled, sending me a small wave before walking away. I looked down at my phone screen, still open to the message window. Knot's name was written at the top of the screen in Thai and he had written it in parenthesis in English. I… I had Knot's phone number. Why does that make me feel so happy?

I fell onto the bench, navigating to my contacts, smiling as I looked at the list. I only had a total of six contacts on my list: my mom's because I couldn't bear to delete it, my dad's, an old friend I met online whom I've never met and haven't spoken to in two years, Kong's, M's, and now… Knot's. I smiled, closing my eyes and feeling warmer than I ever have in years.

Maybe… maybe this change isn't so bad after all.

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The student in front of me turned around, handing me a thin bundle of stapled papers before turning back around without a word. I laid it flat on the desk, searching around my bag for a pencil.

Today is quiz day and to say I was feeling nervous would be a large understatement. Though I had studied to the best of my ability and even got some tutoring from Kong, I still didn't feel confident. Plus, I'm not good under pressure at all! I freeze up and my mind goes blank. How am I going to pass this test?

I sighed heavily, resting my head on my arms. I guess if worst comes to worst, Anong will make sure I pass, even if it's just over the wire. Can she really get away with that? With bribery or blackmail or whatever she calls it. It's not fair at all, but what can I do? No one would believe me even if I told them, and if they did, there's no way they would believe I had no choice. Then… the people I had grown to love would hate me, wouldn't they?

"Excuse me, professor," May said as she, Maprang and Prae entered the room, the last of the students to arrive to the class.

"Hello," he nodded, heading toward them with a stack of tests in his hands. "Here's your quiz. Please take a seat."

I caught Kong's gaze from across the room and he gave me a reassuring smile which did make me feel better - until the teacher spoke up and I remembered where the hell I was.

"Everyone, you can start the quiz."

I held back a groan as I wrote my name at the top along with the date. Minutes ticked by as if in slow motion and the ticking of the clock seemed so loud in my ears. I had only finished the front of page one and half of the back side of the page when the teacher spoke up again.

"All right. We will stop here today. Please enjoy your hazing meeting. See you next time."

How could I possibly enjoy anything with that failure looming over my head? And the hazing meeting… ugh. I'm not looking forward to that, either. It seems like every time I attend a meeting, I either fuck something up or get hurt. How annoying.

"Thank you," the class chorused, their hands placed together in front of them.

I gathered my things and stood up, throwing the strap over my right shoulder before approaching where Kong was sitting. He was talking with May about name tags, so I held back, not wanting to be rude. I tuned them out for the most part, but I did manage to catch them talking about the name tag that Kong found in his locker. I smiled at that. It seems he didn't realize that Arthit was behind it. I wonder if I should tell him…

"Let's get going," Kong smiled, glancing at me before looking at M as he stood up. I nodded and we followed him from the room, heading to get changed into our t-shirts. Once changed and ready, we headed to the activity room where the hazers were waiting, lined up against the front of the room. My eyes met Knot's and I felt warmth flood me again.

After settling down, Knot is the one who spoke first. "Today, I will teach all of you."

"What's with that stupid grin?" Oak glanced over his shoulder, raising his brow at me.

"What?" I snapped my head toward him, smile dropping.

"You were grinning like an idiot," M commented, looking at me weirdly over his shoulder.

"I-I was not," I scowled at him, turning my attention toward the floor.

"Where did Arthit go?" Maprang wondered from the row behind us.

"I wonder too," May replied. "Why is Knot here instead?"

I glanced at Kong who looked a bit down. Was he sad that Arthit isn't here? Or maybe he's just sad because he doesn't get the chance to mess with him.

Oak leaned toward Tew, who sat on his left. "I don't think Knot will be as strict as Arthit."

"Don't be so sure," I commented.

"Quiet, everyone!" Knot barked.

Bright spoke up, "I hope you haven't forgotten about the signature booklet, right?"

Oh… I had forgotten all about it, shit.

"Have you got 1,000 signatures yet?" Knot questioned.

Oak nudged M in the ribs. "How many have you got?"

"Me?" M flipped through his booklet. "I've only got six or seven."

"Shit. I got more than two-hundred."

"Two-hundred?!" I whispered in surprise, poking him in the back.

"More than two-hundred? For someone like you?" M asked in surprise, making me snicker in amusement.

"How many did you get?" Oak glanced at me over my shoulder, his brow raised.

"Uh," I flipped through the booklet, skimming over the names listed on the pages. "Eight."

"Quiet!" Bright snapped at us, "I'm speaking. Don't you know the word 'manners'?"

Knot slowly started toward us, weaving through the other students. The closer he got, the quicker my heart raced in my chest and I felt my body getting more tense. He stopped in front of Tew, hands folded behind his back. "Let me take a look at your booklets."

Without a word, Tew handed the purple booklet to him, which he took and leafed through before returning it without a word. His eyes met mine and he held out his hand. I glanced nervously at Kong who nodded and I handed it over to him, nearly dropping it in the process. He flipped through the pages without a word before handing it back to me. When I reached for it, my fingers brushed against his and time seemed to stop.

No one else existed but him at that moment and then it hit me like a sack of bricks falling from the sky - I liked him. Not just liked him, I was falling head over heels for him! Oh god, it's like I'm in a shoujou manga and this is the part where I see everything through rose-tinted glasses. I am so fucked.

"Aspen," Kong nudged me in the ribs and I broke out of my reverie.

"Huh? What?" I realized that I was still holding the booklet up, but Knot had already returned to the front of the room. I quickly dropped the booklet, looking desperately at Kong. "Hey, can we… talk after the meeting?"

He tilted his head, looking concerned. "Yes, of course."

"What were you doing in the past week?" Bright inquired, his eyes sweeping across the room. "Why couldn't you complete it?"

"Let me ask you this," Knot spoke up. "Do you still want to be an engineering student?"

"I do!" the group chorused.

"If you still want to be in this faculty, I hope to see you take more responsibility next time," Bright explained.

Kong craned his neck to look over the heads of the other students and I followed his line of sight to the doors where Arthit was standing, leaning against the doorframe with his hands in his pockets. I observed Kong curiously, noting the happy spark that had show up in his eyes.

"Lastly," Knot added. "I want to leave you with another task. I want you to nominate one class president who will meet me tomorrow before 5:00 pm."

A murmur went through the freshmen and I scratched my cheek. The first person that comes to my mind would be Kong, but I feel like he wouldn't want that responsibility, especially with how popular he's become. Who, then? Maybe Prae? She would be a good president. M would never do it and neither would I. Oak would probably say it's too much responsibility. But what about Tew? He's one of the most responsible and kind students in the class. If anyone could do it successfully, it'd be him. Would he want to do it, though?

"I hope," Knot concluded, "you won't waste my time again. This concludes our meeting. You are dismissed." The hazers started to walk away and I caught Knot's gaze, but his face remained blank, betraying nothing of what he was feeling or thinking.

Kong jumped up and rushed for the door, pushing his way through the other freshmen as they exited the room. I stood up, scratching my cheek as I watched him disappear into the crowd.

"What's up with him?" M wondered, glancing at me.

"No idea. I hope he's okay."

"He probably just had to use the bathroom," Oak shrugged before heading for the door. Me and I exchanged a look before following after him.