Finding My Place vol.2: s i g n a t u r e s



"Seen everyone else, they're doing so well. They make it seem so easy. I'm doing my best, ain't getting no rest. I'll make it through." - Gonna Be Alright - Synne Vo

My head fell onto the lunch table, sending a wave of pain through my head that had me wincing, but it was nothing compared to the anxiety I felt still swirling around within my chest. I had my headphones over my head, one over my ear and the other behind so I could hear if anyone came too close to me. World War Me by Theory of a Deadman was blasting through the speakers and I started to think of just how much I could relate to this one song. If this were a drama or some anime, it would be the song that played every time I made my appearance.

Or better yet, what if it played as my theme song on WWE? How cool would that be? Not that I’d stand a chance in the ring with pro wrestlers, but a girl can dream. Then again, being a wrestler meant performing in front of thousands of people and I couldn’t even answer simple questions in front of my classmates. I wouldn’t stand a chance.

I frowned at the table, watching a single ant as it tried to carry a small crumb of seaweed that someone had left behind back to its home. If I could have half the bravery of that lone ant, maybe I could be normal, even just a little bit. I sighed heavily, closing my eyes again.

“Are you alright?”

My body tensed up at the voice behind me and I was tempted to just stay still, hoping that I could somehow hide that way, but I had already made such a bad impression on my classmates, I didn’t want to make it worse. I swallowed my nerves and slowly sat up straight, angling my body to see who was behind me. It was Kong, standing tall with a kind smile on his face.

I tried to smile at him, but it was more of a grimace than anything. “Y-Yeah, I’m… okay.”

He nodded, motioning toward the table. “Mind if I sit with you?”

I shook my head no, letting him know that I didn’t mind and he slid in beside me, keeping a nice distance between us. As I looked around, I was starting to notice that the other tables were being occupied as the students settled in for lunch. Even though I hadn’t missed my classes, I was lucky enough to get seats at the back for each one and I was in and out before anyone knew I was there. When this engineering business doesn’t work out, maybe I should apply to be a ninja. After all these years of running from people, I’ve gotten good at being invisible.

“Here, this is for you.” Kong set a small, maroon-colored booklet on the table before sliding it toward me.

Curious, I opened it up, finding all of the pages blank. They didn’t even have lines on them. Was he trying to tell me to draw my feelings or something?

“It’s an assignment from the juniors,” he explained. “We’re supposed to collect one thousand signatures from our upperclassmen within a week.”

“That seems…”

“Impossible?” he suggested with a grin.

I nodded, staring down at the blank pages. With my issues, I don’t think I’ve even talked to a thousand people in my life. There’s no way I’m gonna be able to complete this assignment. This day just keeps getting better and better.

“Just do your best, I’m sure it will work out,” he said. “I’m going to go get some lunch, do you want to come with me?”

“No,” I mumbled, shaking my head. “No, thank you.”

With a nod, he stood up and approached the food stalls at the back, getting in line to order. I was hungry but eating when my anxiety is high is never a good idea because it messes up my stomach and then I either have to hold it or make a scene asking to go. No, it’s much easier to just not eat. I could stand to lose a few pounds anyway.

The song changed on my phone to Born for Greatness by Papa Roach as I leafed through the empty pages of the booklet. One thousand signatures… one thousand people I’d have to speak to and ask for a signature. And I doubt they’d be willing to give it away freely. The lyrics echoed around in my brain:

''‘We sing our songs and we just hold on, yeah. So if you’re running, stop running. One life, one chance, start living.’''

The lyrics were so true and they definitely made me take pause. I wanted to live my life, to no longer be afraid, to be great, but it’s not that simple. I’ve tried so many times, but my body just won’t react the way it should. I always freeze up, my mind going black when I try to scramble for a response.

“Man, this sucks,” I muttered, glancing up to look around the open area. The tables were filling up quickly, happy chatter filling the air. It was about time I left because there’s way too many people here for my comfort levels.

As I was sweeping the room one last time, my eyes landed on one of the upperclassmen from the meeting earlier. He hadn’t spoken, but he had been up there on the stage with the others. His eyes met mine before he turned to his friends, saying something before motioning my way with his hand. The other boys at the table turned their heads in my direction and I caught the gaze of their leader, a feeling of ice settling on my chest.

I stood up so quickly that I nearly tripped over the bench, throwing my bag over my shoulder as I scurried away in the opposite direction. My heart definitely could not handle a run-in with those guys twice in the same day. I kept my head down and hugged the booklet to my chest, trying not to think about what had happened earlier, but it kept playing on loop in my mind. I ended up crying over something so stupid, they must think I’m such a child, ugh.

I should have been paying attention to where I was going but I wasn’t and I ended up running right into someone, making me stumble back and drop the booklet. “I… I am so sorry!”

“You really should pay more attention to where you’re going. Are you okay?”

I glanced up. It was one of the original upperclassmen, the one with the megaphone that had been singing. Yacht, I think? I nodded at him, watching as he bent down to pick up the booklet from the ground before flipping through it.

He hummed. “You haven’t gotten any signatures yet. The juniors won’t be pleased.”

“It… it’s a work in progress,” I mumbled, clearing my throat as I shifted my weight. I thought about snatching the book back and running off, but even if that was a decent plan, I certainly didn’t have the stones for it.

“You’re the one that left the meeting, right? Aspen?” he questioned, watching me carefully.

I’m sure he noticed me wince at the use of my name. It felt more serious when my name was used and I hadn’t even thought about giving my name… now everyone knows me. The crybaby of the Engineering Faculty that couldn’t even make it through day one. “Yes, sir…”

“I can sign it for you.”

My eyes shot up to meet his but I quickly lowered them, focusing on his throat instead. I put my hands together as if I were praying, holding them in line with my lips as I bowed my head. “Please.”

He hummed, pulling out a pen and tapping the end on the page. “You have to do something for me first, though.”

I knew it. I knew the upperclassmen wouldn’t surrender their signatures so freely. God, what is he going to ask me to do? Am I allowed to say no? He’ll just give me the book back without a signature, right? Or maybe he’ll keep it and report it to the juniors. Either way, I’m fucked.

“O-Okay,” I replied, failing to keep my voice steady.

“Let’s see,” he tapped the pen to his chin in thought. “Oh, I know. This is an easy one but it might be difficult for you – keep eye contact with me for thirty seconds.”

Thirty seconds? I can barely manage three! But… he could have asked me to do something a lot worse like screaming something to the other students or making me do a weird dance. This is easy… it’s the basics of being a human being. Eye contact… it’s simple. I can do this. I can do this!

Taking a deep breath, I slowly lifted my eyes to meet his. He was smiling, his brown eyes filled with warmth and amusement. He wasn’t as intimidating as the juniors, but he still had an aura of authority that I didn’t feel comfortable with and staring into his eyes like this made me shift uncomfortably. I want to look away so bad. Everything within me is screaming danger, as if my life will be snuffed out by doing this simple human interaction.

When did I become so weak? So… pathetic? For as long as I can remember, all I wanted was to be normal, to make friends and be happy. I never got the chance to overcome my fear because I was homeschooled, but now… isn’t this like a second chance? The golden ticket to the chocolate factory? I wanted to seize it, to do all of those things I’ve seen people do in my favorite slice of life anime, but when I’m sitting face to face with the situations myself, it seems so impossible. Dangerous, even.

“See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?” he chuckled before clicking his pen and signing his name in the book.

I blinked at it dumbly. That was thirty seconds? It felt like only a couple.

“Here you go.” He held the book out to me and I slowly took it.

“T-Thank you… sir.”

“Of course! We can only overcome our fears and insecurities if we face them head on. Remember that.” He patted my shoulder lightly. “If you ever need anything, feel free to reach out to me. And… try not to let the juniors intimidate you too much. Bye.”

“Bye,” I bowed to him as he walked away and I stared after him until I couldn’t see him anymore. I looked down at the book, seeing his neatly scrawled name in those foreign letters I was still getting used to. Did this count as a victory? Not only had I stared him down for a full thirty seconds, I also managed to snag a signature! But… it felt too simple, too easy to be counted as a victory. I felt like I didn’t have any right to feel proud.

If I was being honest with myself, I didn’t even do as he asked for the damn signature, I only did it because I was scared of disappointing someone else. I headed far enough away from the lunch area where it was difficult for them to see me but I could see them and I settled down against a thick tree, pulling out one of my favorite manga from my bag.

I tried to focus on the panels within the manga, but my mind was elsewhere. So much had happened already and it was only the first day. How am I meant to last the year? I was about to close the manga since I couldn’t focus when someone kicked it from my hand, sending it tumbling across the grass. My head snapped up and I felt dread fill me. Chaloem and Mayuree, my step-twin siblings were standing over me and they didn’t look pleased.

Chaloem, preferring to be called Ray, folded his arms over his chest and tilted his head back, dark eyes narrowed at me. “Having fun reading children’s books instead of studying?”

“I -“

Mayuree, preferring Mai, interrupted me before I could answer, her hand on her hip as she inspected her manicured nails. “The question you should be asking, brother, is why she’s already embarrassed the family on her first day.”

He nodded, leaning toward me. With him standing and me on the ground, he was even more intimidating than usual. “Well? We heard the juniors talking about you. You left the meeting early and you were sobbing like a baby weened off its mother’s milk. Any excuses you’d like to offer us? Or would you just like to grovel now so we don’t have to tell mother?”

I scowled at him, pulling myself to my feet. I muttered, “I don’t owe you anything. I have class, excuse me.”

“We’re not done here!” he snapped, grabbing the back of my shirt and tugging me back toward him. “Mother has given you a golden opportunity -“

“One you could never get on your own,” Mai reminded me, not sparing me a glance.

“- and the very least you can do is not bring shame upon our family! You owe us everything.”

“If it weren’t for us, you would still be living in that filthy two room apartment surviving on moldy ramen. Don’t forget where you come from, hm?” Mai poked her index finger harshly into my forehead, her long nail digging into my skin from the force.

I watched them begin to walk away when a thought struck me. “Ah, wait a minute!” The stopped, glaring over their shoulder at me as if my mere existence was distasteful. I quickly pulled the booklet from my bag and held it out. “I’m supposed to get signatures from my upperclassmen. Sign them?”

“Sure,” Mai grinned, turning around as she twirled a piece of her blonde hair around her finger. “Get on your knees and beg.”

My jaw tensed in annoyance. Honestly, I should just walk away, they aren’t worth it, but I know how difficult it’s going to be to get signatures and at least I can face these two, no matter how unpleasant it is. “It’s in your best interest to help. If I fail it will only make you look worse, right?”

They exchanged a look, having one of their twin-mind-speaking moments before Ray huffed and snatched the book from my hands, angrily scribbling his name into the book before handing it over to his sister. She curled the letters more than necessary, adding little stars around her name as if she were some kind of gift to humans before she tossed the book onto the ground behind me.

“We’ll be watching you, Reynolds,” she snapped, turning her back to me.

Ray nodded, eyes narrowed. “And we’re going to tell mother every thing you do wrong. She’s going to have fun thinking up your punishment.”

I scoffed, kneeling down to pick up the book, dusting off the piece of grass that had gotten caught between the pages. What could she possibly do to me? She already took my laptop from me and threw away most of my manga. I only get one-hundred-fifty-five baht from her for a whole month and it wouldn’t really matter much if she cut that off. I still get six-hundred-twenty-three baht from my dad every two weeks to pay for food and, if I’m careful, a manga or two.

What more can she take from me? I wouldn’t put it past her to hit me, honestly – she’s come close a couple of times, but she always stopped herself. Bruises are hard to hide and it would be one hell of a scandal for her and her company if even a handful of people found out. Her demon twins, on the other hand, did worry me. Mai has hurt me on several occasions since we met, claiming they were accidents because I’m ‘too clumsy’ or ‘wasn’t paying attention.’ They were always small wounds in places that would be hard to see unless I took my clothes off, too.

With a sigh, I shoved the booklet back into my bag before picking up my manga. Several of the pages were now bent or torn, grass staining the center of the page a sickly green color. I shoved it angrily into my bag before reaching up to feel my forehead. I could feel the indent from her nail, but it had only just missed breaking the skin. As I was passing by heading to class, I heard someone singing and glanced over.

“- be skewered, oh! Left ass cheek, right ass cheek, hot as hell!”

It was May, one of the girls that had introduced herself during the meeting. She was doing some weird jiggle with her body as she sang energetically. M was beside her, trying to imitate the movement but failing miserably. It was like a train wreck – I wanted to look away desperately, but my eyes were glued to the scene.

After they finished, they handed their notebooks to Yacht who stood above them, watching the same scene I just had. How did he not feel second-hand embarrassment from that? My skin is crawling and I had nothing to do with it… maybe it’s just because I know that could have been me doing that to get his signature… he really did have mercy on me. I needed to thank him for that later on.

Yacht and May went their separate ways, leaving M standing there dazed. I considered going up to him, trying to talk to him because he seemed nice and seemed awkward like me. Maybe we could relate to one another? But as I thought it over, I couldn’t make my feet move forward.

“There you are,” Kong slowed down when he noticed his friend standing there, still dazed. “M.”

“Oh, Kong.”

I started to walk past, giving up on my idea to try and make friends when Kong noticed me and called out my name. I froze as if I had just been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I turned toward him so slowly I was sure he could hear my bones creaking like an old wooden door. “Y-Yes?”

He smiled kindly at me before looking at his friend. “How many signatures have you two gotten?”

“Me?” M questioned, looking down at his booklet. “Well… three.”

They looked at me expectantly and I cleared my throat, nodding. “Me too… three.”

“How about you?” M asked Kong.

Instead of answering, Kong handed him the booklet and I took a couple steps closer so I could see it, as well. He flipped it open and my mouth dropped.

“Amazing,” M breathed in disbelief. “You have three full pages already?”

“How in the hell…” I muttered, glancing up at him. I guess it made sense, though – he was always kind and handsome, too. It made sense that he would be able to get so many in such a short time. If anyone could complete the assignment, it’d be him.

“You’re incredible.”

I nodded in agreement.

He looked at the two of us before sighing like a disappointed parent. “Give me your notebooks. I’ll help the two of you get signatures.”

“Are you sure?” M questioned.

“Won’t you… get into trouble?” I wondered, scratching my cheek.

Kong readjusted the strap of his bag as he looked at his friend. “He made you do something you’re not good at.” Then he glanced at me. “And you clearly don’t feel comfortable talking to others. I don’t like how you’re forced to do it.”

I exchanged a look with M before we handed him our booklets, thanking him for the assistance. In a way, I kind of felt like we were baby birds and he was the momma bird looking after us. The imagery made me chuckle and M sent me a questioning look.

I cleared my throat. “You’re friends… right?”

He nodded.

“You’re lucky,” I told him softly, rubbing the back of my neck. “He’s really nice.”

M smiled awkwardly and nodded again. “He is.”

We both looked at him. He had only made it a few steps before being stopped by two upperclassmen. We took a step forward to hear what they were saying.

“If there’s anything you need, you can always ask for our help,” one of the boys told him cheerfully as he signed his booklet.

“Then, could you please sign these for me, too?” Kong questioned, giving them a charming smile that had them swooning.

The second boy took the two other booklets. “Of course!”

“I’m going to write my number here,” the first boy announced.

Kong looked over his shoulder at us, quirking his eyebrow smugly.

“He’s really good…” I muttered under my breath. He wasn’t even having to seek out the damn signatures, they were literally come to him! No wonder he had so many.

“Yeah…” M agreed.

The two boys called him cute before starting to walk away, one of them telling him to, “Call me maybe.”

I snorted as the iconic song started in my head and I quickly covered my mouth, faking a cough. “Hey… do you think he’ll get into trouble for this?”

M glanced at me before looking back at Kong who had begun to walk away again. “I hope not…”

M and I slowly trailed behind Kong as he headed around the open lunch area, collecting signatures like they were candy. Several upperclassmen approached him, mostly females, offering their signatures to him before he could even ask. They had no problem signing three booklets and they didn’t question it, either. I observed him closely, trying to see if there was anything I could learn to make myself more social.

He made it look so easy, but he had the looks to garner attention before even speaking. I wouldn’t be so quick to jump on the bandwagon of calling myself ugly, but I was a far cry from being pretty. Guys typically overlooked me when they looked at me, but… I guess I’m doing myself many favors in that department, either. I dress like a guy and even wear their uniform, plus my hair is short. They probably think I am a guy.

“Kongpob, 0062.”

That voice sent a chill straight to my heart and my body tensed up from beside M, both of our attention on the junior’s table. Shit, how hadn’t I noticed that we were getting close to them? You’d think being terrified of the people around me, my dumbass would learn to pay more attention. What if he had seen Kong with three booklets? Was he about to get into trouble?