Finding My Place vol.3: j e r k



"There's a wolf at your door. There's a hound at your heels. There's a snake in your bed. Tell me, how does it feel, when you let the wolves in?" - Wolf At Your Door - Chloe x Halle

M nudged me and motioned toward one of the tables that had just emptied up a little bit in front of us. I nodded and we took a seat there so we could hear what was happening between Kong and the juniors.

Kong paused in front of their table, waiting patiently as Arthit made his way over to him. Several others students had stopped what they were doing, as well, staring at them to see what was going to happen.

Arthit put his hands on his hips and, despite being shorter than Kong, he was no less imposing. “Why do you have three notebooks?”

“These two belong to my friends,” he answered simply.

“Your friends? Why aren’t they doing it theirselves?”

“You told us to collect signatures,” he explained. “but you didn’t set the rules on how to do it.”

“Aish, he’s bold,” I muttered, chewing nervously on my thumbnail.

M nodded, his eyes glued to the pair. “He’s playing with fire.”

“Definitely. That guy… he terrifies me.”

“Me too.”

Arthit asked him, “And you, have you gotten my signature?”

“Not yet,” he replied confidently.

“Give me your notebook,” Arthit ordered, taking it from him before he could offer it.

I frowned, feeling dread settling in the back of my mind. There’s no way he’s going to just offer it freely…

Arthit sat down, flipping through the book. “It looks like you’ve got a lot already. Then, could you do something for me?”

“Oh no…” I muttered, clenching the strap of my bag tightly.

“What is it?”

“Could you do it?” Arthit wondered.

Kong seemed to hesitate for a second, as if sensing that this was a trap. “Sure.”

“Well, do you see that table at the back?” He pointed toward the back of the open lunch area, thankfully opposite of where we were sitting.

“Yes.”

“Could you stand on that table and shout three times… that you like men?”

My heart seized with anxiety at the request. I wasn’t sure how progressive Thailand was, but I had the understanding that most Asian countries hadn’t yet opened up to accept homosexuals. What he’s asking could really hurt him! How badly I wanted to stand up, to say that it was my fault, that I asked him to get signatures for me, but I couldn’t do it. I was too afraid, my legs shaking. If I were standing up, I was sure they would give out on me.

Kong was silent for several seconds before hesitantly nodding and turning toward the back, only to be stopped by the junior.

“Wait, there’s more.”

“This isn’t a damn infomercial,” I muttered, earning a half-smile from M before his expression changed to worry as he looked back at them. I could tell he wanted to come forward, too, but fear had him rooted to the spot just as it did me.

“After that, get down and ask about…” He turned toward the junior sitting to his right. “How many?”

“Ten.”

“Ten guys.” Arthit confirmed. “Ask them if they can be your boyfriend. Could you do that?” Again, Kong hesitated and he picked up on this. “What’s the matter? You can’t do it?”

I’ve had enough. I jumped up, nearly tripping over the bench from the rush and the way my legs jiggled. My heart felt like it was going to explode from my chest, my stomach churning, yelling at me, begging me not to do it, but I was no longer in control. Kong had been nothing but kind and this junior was abusing his power, being a dick just because he could get away with it. It wasn’t right!

“It’s my fault!” I yelled at him, coming to a stop behind Kong who sent me a surprised look. I wasn’t able to look at Arthit in the face, so I settled on his throat, my hands balled into fists to try and control their shaking.

Arthit raised a brow at me, his lips parting, but I wouldn’t let him speak. If I did, I knew I would lose what little bit of courage I had managed to cling to.

“I asked him to… to take my booklet. Maybe it was… wrong for him to-to accept, but… that d-doesn’t give you… the right to be a b-bully!” I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to focus on something, anything other than the pounding of my heart in my ears, loud like drums, or the silence that now settled around us like an impenetrable fog. “Y-You’re supposed to… to guide the undercla-assmen, but you… you’re just b-being a… a jerk!”

Whispers broke out around me, I could hear them as clearly as if they were being shouted into my ear. I felt sweat on my face, feeling like ice against my pale skin. My chest felt as if a block of ice had formed over it and I knew then that I had gone too far. A panic attack was beginning to set in and I wasn’t sure my deep breathing would be able to hold it at bay.

“Aspen?” Kong put his hand on my shoulder and I slowly opened my eyes to look at him. He looked very concerned. “Are you okay? You look like you’re going to faint…”

I wanted to. How nice would it feel to slip into that inky darkness and just forget everything? But I knew my body wouldn’t allow it. I would never faint because that would cause a spectacle and my psyche couldn’t handle it, wouldn’t handle it. By sheer willpower alone, I wouldn’t pass out but that didn’t work on my panic attacks.

“You’re breathing heavily,” he mumbled in concern, gently pushing me toward the closest bench. “Sit down. I’ll get you some water.”

“No,” I breathed, aware of the angry aura steadily getting closer as Arthit approached. I felt like a fucking sheep trapped in the lion’s den and I hated it. Tears began to sting at my eyes. Not again!

“And who are you to talk to me like that, huh?” Arthit snapped, annoyance clear in his tone.

“This one has no respect for us.” The boy that had snapped at me during the meeting was glaring at me. “You think you can cry and avoid punishment?”

No, I wanted to tell them. That’s not it! I can’t control it. My breathing was getting heavier as I struggled to take air into my lungs, the tears slowly rolling down my heated cheeks. Fuck, why did I have to get involved? My bravado is dead, I’m running on fumes.

Punish me. My lips formed the words, but my voice had stopped working. ''Let me take the punishment instead of Kong. I deserve it!''

“Or maybe,” the boy leaned forward on the table, his eyes lit up with anger. “he thinks he doesn’t have to respect us because it’s not his culture. Is that it, huh?”

“Prem.” Arthit sent him a look and the boy scoffed, folding his arms over his chest. “Aspen, 0018. You have a serious lack of respect for your upperclassmen. Go run laps around the track. Don’t stop until you’ve completed… forty-five. Understand?”

Forty-five laps?! I am not an athletic person at all – I sometimes get winded just walked from upstairs to the fridge. Granted, the house is pretty big and there staircase is long and winding, but still. My panic rose up again – I’m going to die. That’s what kept bouncing around in my head, as if the grim reaper himself were whispering it into my ear, his cold, boney fingers digging into my shoulder.

“Well? What are you waiting for?” Arthit questioned. “Go!”

I jumped at his raised voice and nearly fell when I stood too quickly, earning laughter from several of the other students. Without a second thought in my brain, I ran from them for the third time in one day.

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By lap three, I was no longer able to run, my legs sore and feeling like jello beneath my weight. My lungs burned, a stitch in my side every time I inhaled. Though my pace had slowed to a crawl, I didn’t dare stop. Now that the adrenaline was wearing off and I was starting to calm down, I started to realize just how stupid I had been.

Maybe Prem was right.

Back in the states, the hierarchy doesn’t really exist. Older students are just that, older students. They don’t get put on a pedestal or gain power over you simply because they were born before you. There were no honorifics used, no respect freely given. Back home, we are strong believers that respect is earned, not given away like some lollipop at the doctor’s office just for showing up.

But things are different here. The hierarchy matters. You’re meant to respect those above you, it’s what’s expected, required. I know that, but it’s not exactly easy to change my ways overnight, especially when it’s toward someone like Arthit, who’s acting like a bully and a total douchebag. How can his actions possibly warrant respect just because he’s older? It makes no sense to me!

I groaned, running my hands through my short hair and squinting up at the sun, glaring down at me as if it enjoyed making my already miserable day even more miserable. I’m seriously going to die here, on this track, in a foreign country at a school I never wanted to attend in the first place.

On lap five, my foot skidded across the ground and I couldn’t react fast enough to catch myself, my body flopping to the earth. My nose took most of the damage and I winced at the sharp pain, feeling blood sliding from my nostril. It didn’t hurt bad enough to be broken – at least I think so. I’ve never broken a bone before but I imagine it would hurt a lot more than it currently does.

I tried to push myself up, but my arms gave way and my body crumbled back to the ground which was warm beneath my already hot cheek. I was breathing heavily, but at least my body was more focused on my exhaustion – I was too exhausted to go into a panic attack now. That’s the bright side, I guess. Maybe I could just… stay here. Forever. Dad seems happy with his new family, he probably won’t even notice.

Tears stung at my eyes again and I cursed loudly, smacking my fist against the ground. Why am I such a crybaby?

Something cold landed on my cheek and a sigh of content left my lips automatically. Someone chuckled and my eyes snapped open, wide as saucers. The sun beat down on them, casting their face in shadow.

“Are you okay? It’s only day one, you can’t die just yet.”

With the eyes of another human being on me, I was able to gather the strength to push myself up, planting my butt on the ground. It was Yacht squatting in front of me, holding out a bottle of ice cold water with a smile on his face.

I slowly nodded, taking the bottle from him and trying not to chug it like a frat boy at a keg party, though I really wanted to and then pour the other half on my head to combat the heat and the sweat which was sticking to my skin. “Thank you…”

He nodded, tilting his head to the side as he observed me for a moment. “I heard about what happened. You really went off on Arthit.”

I lowered my head, chewing nervously on my lip. What could I say? That I was sorry? Sorry doesn’t fix shit, especially when you’re saying it to someone that wasn’t even involved. Shaking my head, I slowly pulled myself to my feet, wincing at the pain in my legs. “I should… finish my laps…”

“Hold it.” He held out his hand to stop me, standing to his full height with a frown on his face. “You’ve already missed two classes and you look like you might actually die if you take one more lap. That’s enough.”

“But…” I frowned, rubbing the back of my head. “He said -“

“I know what he said. If he has a problem with it, I’ll handle it. But as your upperclassman, I’m telling you that’s enough. Head back to your dorm and take a shower, try to make it to the rest of your classes okay?”

“Thank you.” I put my hands together in front of me and bowed with the little bit of energy I had left. “Thank you so much.”

“I told you, didn’t I?” He smiled, putting his hand on his hip. “You can come to me with anything, I’m here to help. But, a little advice from your upperclassman?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t pick fights with the juniors again.”

“Yes, sir.” I bowed my head again before hobbling away from him, clutching the bottle tightly in my hand. So much for staying under the radar. And if my family finds out about this? I really will be dead. But, again, bright side – if I’m dead, I won’t have panic attacks.

That’s definitely what those self-help books mean about being positive. I should be their damn poster child.

As I reached my dorm, I couldn’t help thinking about Kong and if he went through with his punishment or not. I really hope he didn’t get in even more trouble because of me. I’ve known him only a day and I’ve already burdened him more than I should.

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I sat in the back of the classroom, watching the second years as they entered the room carrying three large, yellow garbage bags. They set them down at the front of the room before addressing the class.

“Guys, today, we’ll be giving out T-shirts,” Yacht told the class as the girls untied them. “To those who wear small-sized shirts, please come forward and take one.”

Most of the girls got up, heading to the front to collect their shirts. I glanced at Kong, chatting with his friends, and I shifted in my seat, turning my gaze to the wooden surface. I hadn’t spoken to him since the incident, neither to apologize or thank him. I wanted to, but he always seemed to be surrounded by people which only made my fear and insecurities more prevalent.

“Next is the medium-sized shirts. Please come forward,” Yacht spoke up, waiting patiently as the students shuffled down to collect their shirts. “Next is the large-sized shirts. Please come and get yours.”

“Excuse me, I wear medium-sized shirts.” One of Kong’s friends, Oak I think his name is, raised his hand, slowly rising out of his seat.

“Come on out.” Yacht nodded at him with a smile. “Those who wear large-sized shirts, please come and get one.”

I slid out of my desk, stuffing my hands into my pockets as I joined the line heading up to the front. I got my shirt and started back toward my desk, looking at the gear logo printed on the front of the white shirt.

“How many are left?” Yacht questioned.

“In this bag?” quipped the girl with the bun. I needed to learn her name as I haven’t yet. “Wait a minute, let me look into this bag.”

“Just a minute,” Yacht told the rest of the students in line.

“This one?”

“There’s none left.”

“What about the other bag?”

“There’s none.”

“None here.”

“We ran out of large-sized shirts,” Yacht told the boy next in line. “Could you take a medium-sized shirt? Will it do?”

“Okay.”

“We only have medium-sized shirts now.”

Kong grabbed the boy’s attention and they exchanged words before exchanging shirts. I was too far away to hear what was said, but it was obvious that Kong had given up his large to the boy who seemed just a wee bit taller. If I believed in angels, I would think he was one. I shook my head, sliding down in my seat as I stared at the shirt on my desk. Loads of people view kindness as a weakness, though, and won’t hesitate to exploit that. I hope he can tell the difference.

“Has everyone received their t-shirts?” Yacht questioned.

The girl waited a moment for any responses before speaking up. “Okay, everyone, the seniors insisted that you all wear those t-shirts while attending initiation activities.”

The thought made my stomach turn and my legs shake. How the fuck was I supposed to face the guys that I’ve run away from three times and also insulted? I bet they hate me, and they’ll probably make sure I know it. I suppressed a groan as I stood up, grabbing the shirt in my fist.

“Aspen, a minute?” Yacht questioned, waving me over to him.

I glanced at the other students exiting the room to go and get changed before making my way over to him, my eyes on my boots. “Yes, sir?”

He clicked his tongue, leaning down a bit. “My eyes are up here, Miss Aspen~”

It’s okay. I’ve already made eye contact with him once, I can do it again. I got this! With a nod, I lifted my eyes to his, not missing the kind smile he offered me when I did so.

“There we go, making progress. I want you to apologize to Arthit,” he told me seriously, his hand on his hip. “You don’t have to, but I really think you should. You’re going to be working with them a lot and it won’t do anyone any good to be on bad terms with them. Understand?”

I nodded, rubbing the back of my head. “Do you think… will he even forgive me?”

“I’m sure he will, don’t worry. Now get going before you’re late to the meeting.”

I started to turn toward the door but I paused. “Yacht?”

“Yes?”

“…thank you.” I bowed to him before quickly leaving the room, heading toward the changing rooms. Did I even have the courage to apologize to him? To face him? Probably not, but it was something I needed to do. If I really wanted a peaceful life under the radar, this was the bare minimum that I needed in order to achieve that. M was standing outside the changing rooms, playing around on his phone. He was so engrossed he didn’t even notice me approaching, so I left him be and slipped into the women’s changing room.

Several of the girls sent me funny looks, others didn’t pay me any mind at all and I did my best to ignore them, finding my locker near the back of the room. I definitely don’t feel comfortable changing in front of others but thankfully it’s just the shirt and I always wear a tank top underneath.

“Excuse me. Your name is… Aspen, right?”

I glanced over as I pulled the t-shirt down my body. It was May who had approached me, a kind smile on her face. I nodded at her, quickly looking away as I bundled up my shirt and tossed it into the locker.

“It’s nice to meet you, my name is May.” She pressed her hands together in front of her, bowing lightly and I quickly returned the gesture, not wanting to be rude. “I was just wondering… why do you wear the boy’s uniform?”

“Um…” I rubbed the back of my neck. It had never really seemed a big deal to me, but now that someone actually wanted the answer, it sounded really stupid and childish.

“You don’t have to answer, I was just curious,” she told me quickly, waving her hands in front of her.

“I… don’t like skirts,” I mumbled. “They make me uncomfortable.”

“That’s completely understandable!” She smiled at me. “We should go before the juniors get mad at us!”

“A-Ah, right.” I closed my locker and followed her out of the room, keeping a wide distance between us. She caught up with her two friends and I didn’t want them to think I was trying to intrude, so I made sure to hang back. The group filed into the same room as before, settling down on the floor in lines just as they had before.

Being back in here made my stomach turn and I just wanted to turn tail and run away again, but I had to be strong. I would get through this meeting and then apologize to Arthit, then I would successfully fall off their radar and move toward my dream of a calm, quiet existence without drama.

That’s right, that’s the dream.