Finding My Place vol.1: f e a r



"Come rain on my parade, 'cause I wanna feel it. Come shove me over the edge, 'cause my head is in overdrive. I think we're doomed, And now there's no way back." - Doomed - Bring Me The Horizon

On October 31st, I was born to Penelope Reynolds in a small suburb in the United States. She raised me the best way that a single mom working two jobs could and, when I was eight-years-old, she met a man named Taeho Park who had become a regular at the coffee shop she worked at. They grew closer each time he visited until he finally asked her out on a date. A year later, they were married and Taeho was moving in with us.

Even though he wasn’t my real father, he treated me like his own daughter and he treated my mother even better, bringing light to both of our lives which had been darkened by debt and disabilities. See, for as long as I can remember, I’ve suffered from an anxiety disorder and agoraphobia, which is a fear of people. Because of this, my mom had to take me out of school and homeschool me.

When I was twelve-years-old, my mom went out to buy me the latest issue of Shonen Jump because I was feeling super anxious that night and, even though the shop was just down the street, I was too afraid to go. My anxiety told me that something bad would happen to me if I did, so I asked my mom to go. She was tired and didn’t want to, but like a brat I begged her and she finally conceded.

She never returned home from that trip, caught up in a robbery gone wrong where she and three others, including the shop’s employee, were shot dead. With no other family on record, Taeho was allowed to legally adopt me, but it wasn’t without much effort, a lot of paperwork, and several thousand dollars. Not only did I feel guilty because I was the reason my mom died, but now a man that wasn’t even my real father now had the weight of me on his shoulders, along with my mom’s debt and my disabilities.

For his credit, he never once complained about this. He did what he needed to do to take care of me but his efforts only just kept us above water and we lived off of instant ramen and cornflakes. When I was fifteen, he met a Thai-American woman named Anong Tan. She was a business woman, gorgeous in looks and well off in funds. Maybe it was the grief or the stress, but Taeho fell in love with her almost instantly.

At first, she seemed like a really nice woman and she treated me kindly every time she came over. It wasn’t long before they were engaged – just three months, in fact. As much as I wanted to question him for acting too quickly, I didn’t feel right doing so after he had done so much for me. He deserved to be happy and if she made him happy, I would accept her into our life.

The thing is, a month after they were married, she told him that she would be returning to Thailand to be with her family. I didn’t want to leave. I had been born and raised here, it’s where I felt most comfortable, plus I knew nothing about Thailand and not a speck of the language, but I knew Taeho wanted to go with her, to be with his new bride. After everything he had done for me, what right did I have to complain or go against his wishes? Two months later, we were on a plane to Bangkok, Thailand.

When we arrived, a driver was waiting to take us to our new home, which was more like a mini mansion than a house. Anong was at work, but the woman that worked in the house and kept everything in order, Siriporn, was there to greet us, along with Anong’s two children, whom I didn’t even know she had until that moment – 25-year-old Chaloem and Mayuree, twins. In front of Taeho, they treated me kindly but when he wasn’t around, they treated me like the dirt beneath their feet.

I didn’t belong, they said. I had no Asian blood in me, I was just some white kid being raised by a Korean man now living in Thailand. And when they found out about my mental issues, things only got worse. To them, I was a complete joke. A source of amusement to pass the time. It didn’t help that Taeho wasn’t around much anymore – when he wasn’t working, he was spending time with Anong.

The worst part is that Anong agreed with her children – she thought I was a waste but didn’t want to lose Taeho so she pretended to care about me when he was around. The Tan family was well known and respected in Bangkok and I wasn’t up to their standards. My grades were just average but that didn’t matter. Anong made sure I was placed in school despite my mental illnesses and I was assigned more work than the other students to try and lift my grades. When that didn’t work, she paid off the principal and my teachers to mess with my grades.

This wasn’t for my benefit at all – she didn’t care if I succeeded. All she wanted was to keep up appearances and show that even an uncultured American kid could be a ‘genius’ with the proper grooming but it was all just a smoke screen. I did my best to keep up, but I just didn’t understand the material.

When I turned eighteen, she forced me to attend SSU in the Faculty of Engineering where her family as graduated from for generations. It’s also the school that her children were attending. I didn’t want to attend and I knew I hadn’t passed the written exams, but with her money and connections, she was able to make sure I was accepted. A rejection for anyone in her family, even just a foreign reject, was unacceptable.

And that’s where I am now, standing in front of the university on my first day, feeling as if my heart is going to explode. I feel so anxious and worried because I know every one of these students earned their place and that they are so much smarter than I am, yet here I am – an imposter amongst them. How long can I keep up this charade before they realize that I’m not meant to be here? What will they do when they find out? Those thoughts terrify me. Then again, there’s not much that doesn’t terrify me these days.

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My palms were sweaty as I gripped the strap of my bookbag, staring at the university in front of me. Today is my first day here, a freshman at the Faculty of Engineering. I was doing my best to stay calm, but my anxiety was making it very hard for me to do so. I looked around at all of the students making their way into the university, dressed in their crisp new uniforms and chatting happily with their friends.

No one was paying me any mind despite the obvious differences between myself and them, which I was thankful for. I don’t think I could handle it if everyone was stopping and staring at me like I was a freak show. But this is life, not some drama.

I pulled the crumpled paper from my hand, straightening it out so I could see where I needed to go. It took me a couple of minutes for my brain to register the foreign words but I finally understood them and started toward the school building. The closer I got, the harder my heart raced. Everything within me was screaming for me to just turn around and go back home, but I had seen Anong’s wrath first hand and I certainly didn’t want to be on the receiving end of it.

“Excuse me?”

I didn’t figure they were calling out to me, why would they? But there was something within me that wouldn’t let me not turn around to check. When I did, I came face to chest with a handsome boy. He had the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen and they were looking right at me.

“Excuse me?” he called again, offering me a kind smile. “Do you need help?”

I forced myself to look at the ground. I’ve never been able to lock eyes with people for too long. “Oh, um, ah… n-no, I’m fine, thank you.”

“Okay, I just wanted to check. You’ve been standing there for several minutes, I was worried you might be lost.” I frowned, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. I could hear the underlying words he didn’t dare speak – ‘You clearly don’t belong so you must not know what you’re doing.’

“Are you a freshman?” he questioned.

I nodded. “Y-Yes… yes, I am.”

“Me too! My name is Kongpob, but you can call me Kong.”

A hand fell into my line of vision and I felt surprised. I didn’t think people shook hands in Thailand, I thought they only greeted each other with a wai. Should I take his hand? It would be rude not to, right? But… wouldn’t it also be rude not to greet him with a wai? Crap, my hands won’t move!

If he was bothered by this, he didn’t indicate it, he just pulled his hand back to his side. “We should hurry to class. We don’t want to be late on our first day.”

I looked up just in time to see his kind smile as he passed by into the university building. Great, my first interaction with someone outside of my family and I already screwed it up. I took a couple of deep breaths, holding my hand over my racing heart as I stepped into the building.

I followed the crowd of students as they lined up in front of several long tables to claim their student nametags. To me, this seemed strange because usually nametags are reserved for kindergarteners, but I guess it’s just a cultural thing. I hesitated when it was finally my turn and the student manning the desk had to motion me forward twice before I was able to force my legs to move me forward.

“Please write your name,” she told me and I nodded, shakily picking up the pen and writing my name. Looking at the names written above my own, their letters neat and beautiful, and then back down to my own which was messy and indistinguishable. Would they even be able to read such a mess?

She copied my name onto a square piece of thick paper, he letters eloquently written, before she handed it to me. “Please put that on and line up with your friends.”

I wanted to thank her, but the words wouldn’t come so I just nodded, slipping the thin white string around my neck so the paper hung in the center of my chest. Since I had no friends to speak of, I waited a moment, watching what the other students were doing. After getting their tags, they headed toward the front of the room where several older students were waiting. The freshmen were settling down on the floor in rows, waiting. I hesitated, afraid to just sit by some random person, but I didn’t know anyone so unless I planned to just stand here for the rest of the day, which I doubt the upperclassman would allow, I held back a sigh and settled down in the first open spot I could find. The boy beside me glanced over, giving me an awkward nod which I slowly returned before forcing my gaze onto the ground.

I’ll be okay, I told myself repeatedly like a mantra in my head, reminding myself to breathe. There’s so many students here, as long as I keep my head down and don’t piss anyone off, I should be okay. I hope. Once all of the students got their tags and settled down, one of the female upperclassmen started to speak using a megaphone. “Let’s sing a song together and have some fun. Yacht, what do you think?” She turned toward the male on her left who, I couldn’t help noticing, was quite attractive.

He held up the megaphone to his lips. “Let’s go for it.”

The upperclassmen started to sing together, the ones without megaphones clapping their hands. “What is your name? Hey, what is your name?”

As they did this, they went around the room having people stand up and introduce themselves. The first one chosen was a really pretty brunette named Maprang, who did a cute little dance to their song. Next was the boy sitting beside me, whose name was M and who did an awkward side-step. Then was the boy that had greeted me earlier, Kong. Just as he started to stand, the doors at the back of the room shot open.

The air inside the room grew more tense a group of boys came marching in, their hands folded behind their backs and purple short-sleeved shirts that were left unbuttoned. Their faces were like stone and I felt intimidated just looking in their general direction.

The upperclassmen from before left the front of the room as these new upperclassmen marched up onto the stage in one single file line. Once in place, the boy at the front took a step forward, his eyes scanning the crowd of students. His eyes passed over where I was sitting and I immediately looked down, my fingers clenching around the fabric of my slacks. This guy is terrifying.

“Hello, freshmen,” he barked, his voice loud enough to travel through the room without the aide of a megaphone. “I’m Arthit, a senior student of the Faculty of Engineering. My responsibility is to look after you for the entire year and make sure that you become disciplined and strictly abide by the rules. I hope that you will all cooperate.”

The boy standing to his right spoke up, his own voice projecting throughout the room. “I want to congratulate all of you for making it into the Faculty of Engineering.”

I frowned at a lose piece of string on my slacks, wrapping it around my finger until it hurt. Looking around, I could see the pride on the faces of those around me and it made me feel guilty. I feel no pride being here. I didn’t earn my place here and I’m not smart enough to be here. All of these other freshmen, they worked their asses off, studying day in and day out just for a shot of achieving their dreams, and here I am, taking a spot from one of them. I am so going to hell.

“However,” the first boy continued. “I will not acknowledge you as my juniors in this faculty until you earn this.” Reaching into his pocket, he produced a necklace and held it up high for the room to see. The chain was made of a dark brown rope and the charm on the end was a simple gear, light gold in color. “A gear consists of wheels working together systematically. If a wheel goes missing, a gear will not be able to work. That’s why a gear represents the members of the Faculty of Engineering – it is our honor and our dignity, it doesn’t just represent one particular person. And for all of you to earn this, you have to learn and go through the SOTUS system first.”

I’m never going to earn that necklace. Not now, not ever. I don’t deserve it.

The boy on his other side spoke up this time. “Moreover, you must attend every initiation activity. Make sure that you won’t be late. Most importantly, you must respect your seniors!”

“And lastly,” the leader began again, “you must strictly follow my rules and commands. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” the freshmen chorused.

So they get to order us around and we just have to take it? No matter what the order is? I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat, my heart squeezing with anxiety. I can’t do this, I can’t. I shook my head, squeezing my eyes closed. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

“Is there a problem?” the leader barked and I could feel eyes burning into me. Oh no, no no no! “You there! Open your eyes and stand up.”

M nudged my side and I looked over at him, begging him with my eyes to tell me that this guy wasn’t addressing me, but he looked as worried as I felt. My eyes slowly slid up to the front to find the man staring directly at me, along with dozens of other pairs of eyes.

“I said, stand up!”

My legs shook as I slowly pulled myself to my feet, unable to meet his eyes. I focused on the center of his chest instead, trying to control the shaking of my body.

“State your name and student ID.”

My lips parted, forming the words but no sound escaped.

“Speak up!” barked the boy on his left.

Tears pricked at my eyes and I blinked rapidly to keep them at bay. “A-Aspen… number ze-zero zero one e-eight, sir.”

He stared at me for a moment, I could feel his eyes burning into me but I didn’t have the stones to look up. “You were shaking your head no. Do you not understand?”

“I-I… um…” My throat felt like it was a snake squeezing its prey and my eyes were beginning to burn. Everyone was staring at me, some with looks of pity and others mocking. The looks from the upperclassmen were cold and uncaring. All I wanted was to sink into the floor and disappear.

“Do you not understand what we’re saying, huh?” the left boy questioned angrily. “If you can’t understand us, why are you here?”

“I… I can…” I muttered, my fingers digging into my sides.

“Speak up, I can’t hear you!”

A couple of the freshmen started to laugh, whispering behind their hands as they pointed at me. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.

“If you can’t show respect and answer us, then get out,” he barked again. “Out!”

My legs shook, ready to give out beneath me. For a moment, I stood there frozen until my fight-or-flight kicked in and, of course, it was my flight that took over. I turned on my heel and bolted from the door, doing my best not to step on the other freshmen as I ran. Tears fell from my eyes as I bolted from the room, wishing to every god and deity I could think of to help me from this situation and save me.

Of course, none answered. They never did.