Finding My Place vol.6: r e s p e c t



"I don't understand where I want to go. Looking like I'm feeling high, but I'm still so low. Wish I understood why I am so alone. Got no one to trust, I'm just standing on my own two feet." - Sometimes - NEFFEX

M slowly turned around before looking at me and nodding, a horrified look on his face. I didn't have to turn around to know that the juniors were standing behind us, their auras said it all, angry and annoyed.

"Good to know you think I'm so terrible, 0018, Aspen," Prem spat angrily. "You're not above talking about people behind their backs, huh? We get no respect from you and I'm tired of it!"

I swallowed, my hands fisting around my jeans as I bit my lip, willing myself not to cry. I could feel tears beginning to sting at my eyes but I didn't want them to think I was just doing it for attention… Shit, how do I get out of this?

"What's wrong? Cat got your tongue?" Prem snapped. "Answer me!"

"I'm s-sorry…"

He scoffed. "You're sorry? You weren't sorry when you were talking about me but you're sorry when I confront you?"

I didn't know what to say and, honestly, I was sure that no matter what I said, he'd still be angry. How do I fix this?

He didn't stop there, though. "And talking about binding your chest to a group of guys? You have no shame, either!"

I tried to hold it back, but the tears freed themselves against my will, sliding down my burning cheeks. I felt so embarrassed, so scared and at a loss for words. I didn't know how to fix any of this and I felt so stupid. My chest was beginning to turn cold and I could hear the whisperings of a panic attack beginning to hit me. My stomach started to turn and I instantly regretted eating.

"That's enough, Prem."

Oh god, Knot is here too. And he heard all of that? Shit, shit, shit. I think I'm going to throw up…

M leaned closer to me, uncurling my hand. I had been clenching it so tightly that my nails broke the skin of my palm, little beads of blood forming on the cuts. "Calm down," he whispered softly. "You're okay. Just breathe."

I tried to do as he said, breathing deeply in and out but it wasn't working. I was far too overwhelmed for it to work. I squeezed my eyes shut, tears steadily trailing down my cheeks as I bit as hard as I could on my lip to keep myself from making a sound. I could taste the blood on my tongue, feel the sting of pain in my lip from where my canine had cut into it, but it helped me, distracted me from my rising panic.

"Didn't you say you were so busy that you even asked to skip the hazing meeting?" Arthit questioned. "What the hell is this?"

Tew exchanged a look with Oak before answering. "We were stressed due to school work. That's why we came out for some drinks."

"Stressed out? Shall we drink a lot, then?" Arthit asked.

"Let's do it," replied Bright, Prem's look alike, as he produced two large bottles of alcohol.

"Well…" Tew looked at the bottles before looking at us nervously.

"Move," Bright ordered, squeezing himself in beside Oak.

Tuta, the guy with the glasses, waved his hands at us to move over. M was barely on the seat and I was squished between him and Kong, but Tuta managed to squeeze his way onto the bench. The other three grabbed chairs and settled down at the front of the table. Prem was staring at me, his dark eyes dancing. I felt so small under his gaze.

After getting some shot glasses from the waitress, Bright popped the top of the alcohol and poured it into each glass, handing them out as he did so. He tried to hand one to me but I quickly shook my head no.

He quirked a brow, shaking the glass lightly. "Come on, take it! It'll ease your stress."

"Aspen doesn't drink," Kong stated, taking the glass in my place. Together, they took their shots, but it must have been strong because they each pulled a disgusted, pained face while the juniors weren't at all bothered by it. Despite refusing another round, Bright and Tuta kept goading them until they finally gave in. I frowned at them, wishing I could do something but being far too nervous to do so.

"Are you sure you don't want some?" Bright grinned at me, holding a full shot in front of my face. "Come on~ One shot won't hurt you."

"N-No, thank you…"

"Don't be a downer," he pushed, reaching forward and grabbing my hand. I jumped in surprise, trying to pull my hand back but he refused to let go.

"That's enough, Bright," Knot told him, smacking his hand away from my own. He sent me an apologetic look and I felt my cheeks burn.

Prem looked at the others and grinned, trying to get their attention.

"They're drunk already," Bright laughed.

"I hope you're no longer stressed," Arthit commented smugly, making me frown at him. He met my eyes and scoffed. "Go, take care of your friends. Go."

I turned away from him, putting my hands on M's shoulders, gently pushing him from the bench. He stumbled into the table beside ours which was, thankfully, empty. I helped keep him standing up straight, tugging his arm over my shoulder. Tew fell into me when Oak stumbled into him, causing the three drunk males to groan from discomfort. I glanced back to check on Kong and he seemed to be the most sober of the four boys.

As we headed toward the entrance of the restaurant, I glanced over my shoulder at the juniors, meeting eyes with Knot who was watching us go. I tried to ignore the fluttering in my stomach by focusing on getting M out of the restaurant unharmed.

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I poked M in the cheek as he dozed off against the wall and he started, eyes wide as he looked at me in confusion. "You were dozing off and there's no way I can catch you if you fall."

"Oh," he mumbled, running his hand through his hair. "Sorry."

"Head still hurting?" I frowned, leaning against the wall beside him.

He nodded, a groan passing his lips. "I'm never drinking again."

I patted him on the shoulder with pity. The rest of the gang finished changing into their t-shirts and we started toward the activity room where the juniors were waiting for us. Something felt strange, though. I'm not sure what it was, but it's almost like the the dynamic had shifted.

The freshmen settled down on the ground in rows, and I found myself with Waad on my left and Oak on my right, with M beside him and then Kong. I felt a glare coming from the juniors and I knew it was Prem but I ignored it the best I could.

"Today, I'm going to talk about respect for one's elders," Arthit stated. "But I'll have Prem do the teaching."

Oh no. Why would they choose him? Of all people… He's totally going to call me out.

Arthit stepped aside and Prem stepped up, his hands clasped behind his back. "As someone who started before you did, we have the experience, the knowledge, and the thought process more than you do. Therefore, what you need to have and how you should behave towards us is this thing called respect. This morning, a freshman walked past me, but he didn't greet me properly."

M looked at me, which caused Oak to look at me, too. I quickly went through my memory of the morning, but I don't recall ever seeing Prem. I saw Bright being rejected by a couple of girls this morning, but that's the only hazer I remember seeing. I shrugged at them and shook my head, so Oak looked to M who also shook his head, looking to Kong.

"Who was that?" Prem questioned. "Who was that person who didn't greet me? Stand up."

My brow furrowed and I scratched my cheek. Isn't he taking this too far? How self-important does he think he is? Getting so upset just because someone didn't greet him. What is his problem, really?

"Since nobody is admitting his mistake… Everyone, stand up."

The group hesitated, everyone looking unsurely at each other.

"I said stand up!" He barked. Everyone reluctantly stood up, the air in the room tense. "Everyone, squat! Keep going until that person comes forward and apologizes."

I frowned, putting my arms around Waad and Oak, taking a deep breath to prepare myself for the pain to come in my legs.

"Get started!"

The group started to squat, but Waad only did one before stopping, which made me stop and then Oak stopped. I nudged him in the side, but he ignored me. "Hey, you good?"

"Were you referring to me?" Waad questioned, meeting Prem's gaze without fear.

Everyone stopped what they were doing, looking at him in surprise. The freshmen parted like the sea as Prem started to make his way toward Waad and I unconsciously took a step closer to Oak.

"The rest of you, sit down," Prem ordered. They did as they were told, but I felt unsure. I looked at Waad again and he glanced at me but said nothing. Prem glared at me. "Problem 0018?"

M grabbed the back of my shirt and tugged on it lightly. I exhaled and shook my head. "No, sir…"

"Then sit down."

I glanced at Waad again before slowly sitting down.

Prem then turned his attention to Waad. "Why didn't you greet me properly?" He waited a moment but Waad didn't reply. "I'm asking you, why didn't you greet me properly?" Waad still didn't answer and Prem was growing angrier by the second. "Are you mute?!"

"Why do I have to do that?" Waad yelled back.

"I am your senior! You have to greet me properly."

"'Properly'?" Waad repeated. "What do I owe you that I have to greet you properly with respect?"

Oh… well, then. I mean, I kind of agree with him but damn, he has no fear. I think he's more fearless than Kong is!

"I'm more senior than you! You," he pointed to Waad then at himself, "must greet me with respect."

"If I do that now, does that mean we are now even? If that's the case, I'll just get it over and done with."

I don't think that would fix the problem.

"Yeah! Do it right now!" he ordered.

Oh, maybe it will.

For a moment, Waad didn't move but then he slowly rose his hands, clasping them together and holding them level with his forehead. He shook his hands in a menacing manner before lowering them. Prem did not look happy.

" I knew it wouldn't fix it, " I muttered to Oak who shook his head in reply.

If Prem heard me, he didn't show it. It was as if he was hyper focused on Waad. "Is that how your parents taught you how to greet with respect?"

"They taught me to respect someone who deserves to be respected," Waad replied.

" Preach it, " I nodded, folding my arms over my chest.

M rolled his eyes, nudging my arm with his index fingers. " Shut it. "

"But for someone like you, that is more than enough." Waad added.

" Oh, no no no, don't preach that ."

"Shut up, Aspen!" Prem snapped angrily, not looking away from the other male. He made a move toward him as if he were going to grab him and Arthit came up behind him, taking his arm. "What do you want?!"

"Enough," Arthit told him, tugging Prem back, but the male was far from done.

He pointed his finger directly in Waad's face. "You, get the hell out!" His eyes snapped to me, making me jump at his angry voice. "You can go with him! Get out!"

"Yes, I'm going!" Waad yelled back. "It's not as if I want to be here!" He then turned on his heel, worming his way through the crowd of sitting freshmen toward the door. I watched him go, feeling unsure if I should follow him or stay put. The boys followed him with their eyes before looking at me.

"Get the fuck out!" Prem screamed at me and I squeaked, scrambling to my feet and kicking Oak by accident as I tried to get as far away from the angry man as possible. I could feel eyes on my back as I scurried from the room like a frightened rat. I could hear him yelling behind me but I didn't know what he was saying and I certainly didn't want to.

Man, I didn't even do anything this time and I was still the bad guy. The hell am I supposed to do now? When I was far enough away from the room to start feeling safe, I slowed my pace and fell against the wall, a groan passing my lips. Well, at least I didn't fucking cry this time, though I definitely wanted to.

"Ah, it's you."

I jumped, whirling around with my hand over my heart to find Yacht standing there. He held his hands up in surrender.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you," he smiled. "I heard groaning and thought there was a ghost in the hallway."

"Oh… sorry, I… didn't mean to disturb you." I remembered Prem's face and his angry words and I shivered in fear, realizing that I hadn't greeted Yacht properly. Mentally cursing, I quickly put my hands together, holding them in front of me and bowing my head. "S-Sorry for not greeting you, sir…"

"You're fine. What's got you so jumpy?" he frowned, putting his hand on his hip. "Is everything okay?"

"Um… mostly," I cringed, scratching my cheek.

He hummed, not seeming convinced. "Shouldn't you be at the meeting?"

"I… was."

"And you're not now because…?"

I chewed on my lip, unable to meet his gaze because I didn't want to see the look of disappointment on his face when I told him. "Well… I got kicked out."

"What did you do?" he asked in disbelief, leaning toward me when I refused to look at him.

"I didn't actually do anything this time," I muttered, scratching my cheek.

"Aspen."

I sighed, forcing myself to meet his eyes. He didn't look disappointed like I expected, instead his brown eyes showed concern which made me feel a bit better. I explained what had happened between Prem and Waad and how he yelled at me to leave, as well.

He frowned, shaking his head. "Did you ever apologize to Arthit?"

"Well… I was going to but…" I told him about Arthit going at it with Kong. "After that, I kind of… got too scared to approach him…"

Yacht nodded in understanding, offering a kind smile. "You tried, that's what matters. I hope you won't give up. I think that might be why Prem isn't happy with you, because you disrespected Arthit."

"That… might not be the only reason…"

He quirked a brow. "Oh?"

"Well~" I proceeded to tell him about last night when the hazers came upon us at the restraunt and how Prem had overheard what I said. "I didn't mean it that way… it just kind of happened."

Yacht sighed heavily, rubbing the back of his neck. "That's… definitely quite the predicament."

"My whole life is a predicament!" I groaned, pushing off the wall and beginning to pace. "Between my anxiety and my fear of people, and being forced to attend a school that's way above my level, and dealing with hazers that live to make our lives miserable! Now Prem and Arthit hate me along with my new family. Why can't life be easy and normal like it is in the movies? I mean, I can't even face the hazers without breaking down crying. God, they must hate me and think I'm such a crybaby and -"

"Hey, hey, calm down." Yacht took me by the shoulders, stopping my pacing. "Try to relax and breathe."

I did as he told me, taking a few deep breaths. He led me over to a bench sitting beneath a large tree and had me sit down before disappearing for a few moments, returning with a bottle of water.

"Can I ask you something?"

"You just did," I muttered, smiling at him softly.

He chuckled. "Another one, then."

"Sure."

"You have a pretty bad anxiety disorder, don't you?"

I sighed, leaning back against the tree. "Yeah… is it that obvious?"

He hummed. "A little, but you mentioned it so I was curious. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be here and deal with the hazers while also dealing with your anxiety, but if it helps, I think you're doing a good job."

"Totally," I scoffed. "I've only cried about four times and run away from the hazers four or five times. I'm doing great!"

"You're still here."

"Eh?" I glanced at him, my brow furrowed.

"You're still here even though you're anxious and scared. You're still attending the hazer meetings even though they terrify you. You've even made some friends. I'd say you're doing pretty good."

"I guess." I looked up at the sky, thinking about his words. "But I'm only still here because I have no choice. And I attend the hazer meetings because I'm scared of them - it's far scarier facing their wrath by not going than it is to actually go. As for the friend part…"

He watched me for a moment. "You don't think they are your real friends?"

"Well, Kong and Tew said I was their friend. M and Oak haven't said it but they don't seem entirely put off by spending time with me. But I worry."

"What specifically is worrying you?"

"That I'm going to annoy them. That they're going to not want to be friends with me anymore once they learn about my issues. That they aren't actually my friends and that I'm imagining them liking me when they really don't."

"You worry too much," he chuckled, patting my leg.

"I've been told that a couple of times."

"A couple?" He quirked a brow.

I clicked my tongue. "A couple dozen…"

"Thought so!" He laughed, knocking his shoulder against mine. "Fear is a powerful thing and it can be good to help us avoid dangerous situations, but you can't let it rule every decision you make. Don't let fear keep you from finding happiness and enjoying your time here, even if you're being forced to be here. You'll have to tell me that story later, understand?"

"Is that an order?" I grinned at him, making him roll his eyes.

"Nope, it's just a request from a friend. I have to get going… are you okay now?"

"Yeah… thank you, Yacht. Again." I smiled at him gratefully which he returned, offering me a nod.

"Any time. Stay out of trouble. And that is an order."

"Yes, sir!"