Finding My Place vol.8: i n j u r e d



"I'm the poster child of denial, there's nothing I can't hide. I'm punching holes in walls because, I let them build up way too long, sabotage. There is no else to blame but the voices in my head." - World War Me - Theory of a Deadman

I cursed as I speed walked down the sidewalk toward the school building, my bag clutched tightly in my hand to keep it in place while I hugged my manga to my chest. I was running late for class, somehow sleeping in way later than I should have. There were no other students around either, so I must be super super late. Crap, what if they don’t let me into class?

Once inside the building, I started toward my classroom only to remember that I needed to get my books from my locker. With a groan, I turned on my heel and rushed in the opposite direction. Why did the lockers have to be so far away? I rushed up the stairs, nearly tripping over my own shoelace as I went but I managed to stay upright. When I looked up, I froze.

Standing at the lockers was Arthit, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

“Ah,” I quickly clapped my hands together in front of me, bowing my head. “G-Good morning.”

He nodded, clearing his throat. “Morning.”

I stepped up to my locker to get my textbooks only to realize something. I glanced at Arthit again as he slammed the locker, sent me a glare and then walked off. I waited until his footsteps faded away before I approached the locker he was at. I had never seen him over here before so I know that his locker isn’t here, so whose locker was he at and why?

I looked at the name on the locker – it’s Kong’s. What if he planted something bad in his locker? I’ve seen several anime where the antagonist gets showed up by the protagonist so they plant something bad like drugs into the protag’s locker to get them into trouble. Would Arthit really do something like that? How could I possibly ignore such a thing?

Looking around to make sure that I was alone, I tugged open Kong’s locker. I wonder why they don’t keep them locked. None of them have locks on them so anyone can open anyone’s locker. In this case, I was grateful for it, but I didn’t find what I expected to find. Sitting inside his locker was a fresh, unused nametag.

I closed the locker in confusion before returning to my own. That’s the last thing I expected, I thought Arthit hated Kong, so why was he giving him a new nametag? Maybe he’s not as cold as I thought he was. Shaking my head, I quickly gathered my things before slamming the locker and rushing down the stairs. I turned the corner and ran right into someone.

“Shit,” I cursed, holding my nose. I have got to start paying more attention, jeez. “Sorry…” I glanced up, finding Knot standing there with an amused smile. I clapped my hands together and bowed my head. “G-Good morning…”

“Morning,” he nodded, hands in the pockets of his purple shirt. “I’m surprised to see you here so early.”

“Early?” My brow furrowed and I fumbled in my pocket for my phone. The time read 9:15 am and class started at 8:30.

“Your phone is wrong,” he commented, tapping the screen before showing me his watch which said the time was 7:15.

How in the world did the clock on my phone get changed? Wait… Oak was the last person to use my phone! “That little brat… I’ll kill him.”

“Murder is against school rules,” Knox teased, making my cheeks heat up.

“A-Ah, right…” I cleared my throat. “I should… get to class.”

“Before you go,” he held out his hand and I gave him a confused look. “Give me your notebook. I’ll sign it.”

“A-Are you sure?” I questioned, immediately digging into my back for the booklet. “Aren’t you supposed to… make me do something embarrassing?”

“We don’t have to,” he answered, taking the book from my hands and opening it up. “We were pretty surprised when you approached Arthit yesterday. None of us expected you to apologize.”

“I meant to do it earlier…” I mumbled, admiring his beautiful handwriting when he handed me the book back. “But… I kept losing my nerve or something would come up… Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome,” he nodded, giving me a smile before he walked away. I watched him disappear around the corner, feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Why did I feel this way every time he was around? Shaking my head, I headed to class.

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I sat between Oak and M outside, my arms over their shoulders and their arms over mine. The juniors were lined up in front of us, with Arthit and Bright at the front. Kong had made sure that both M and I didn’t forget our nametags this time, to which I was grateful for because I had, in fact, forgotten it again.

“Has anyone ever taught you about teamwork?” Arthit questioned. “We’ve never had full attendance, lining up takes ages. You’re never synchronized. You couldn’t even do your punishment in synchronicity. Don’t you have any idea about teamwork? Or you just simply don’t care? It’s all right. If you don’t know, we will teach you what teamwork is. Be warned, though, that with my method if you think you’re too weak to handle it, get out now.”

Oh, I am very weak and I’ve got a really bad feeling about what’s to come. Shaking my head, I started to get up but Oak and M held me down.

“If we have to suffer, so do you,” Oak stated, sending me a look.

“That’s not very kind of you, bro,” I scowled at him, trying again to get up.

M looked at Kong. “Are we going?”

“No.”

With a nod, M leaned half his weight onto my shoulder to keep me in place. “You’ll get yelled at. So stay put.”

“You guys suck.”

“Good,” Arthit commented when no one moved. “I admire your spirit. It’s not enough, though. Turn your heads over there.” He looked to the right. “Can you see those friends of mine standing over there? You will run and form a line over there in under three minutes.”

Three minutes to get across the field? It’s doable, I guess, but lining up properly? That’s gonna be an issue.

“If you exceed over the given time, I’m going to punish you guys based on the exceeding time. Why are you still sitting? The time is ticking! Go!”

At his yell, the freshmen scrambled to get up off the ground, everyone running toward the other side of the field. I immediately fell to the back of the group because, like I said before, I have zero athletic ability, but I did my best not to fall away from the group.

“Get in line,” Tuta ordered as the group reached them. “Quick. You’re so slow. Arms on each other’s shoulders.”

Being at the back of the line, there was no one to my right and a student I didn’t know on my left. We were forced to do squats, but none of us were in sync and after just three squats, it felt like my legs were going to break.

“Line up!”

The group turned, starting to run back to the other side of the field. I did my best to keep up, but students were passing me left and right and I felt like I was running with a herd of cattle. A hand rested on my back, gently pushing me forward and I glanced over, finding M looking as worn out as the rest of us.

Knot was standing at the other end and I tried to act like I wasn’t affected at all by the exercise, but I couldn’t slow my breathing nor could I hide the sweat beginning to cover my body like another layer of skin.

“You’re still slow!” Knot barked. “Arms on each other’s shoulders. Squat, 100 times. Go!”

My arms felt like they were filled with lead as I lifted them onto M and some other girl’s shoulders. My legs shook every time I straightened them out, and it felt as if my head were being squeezed every time I bent them. My side was killing me, feeling as if it were being ripped open. The sun was beaming down on us, unhindered by a cloudless sky.

“I.. can’t…” I mumbled, tears stinging at my eyes. M was practically lifting me up himself but I knew it was taking a toll on his body. We squatted down again and my legs gave out, my body crumbling to the ground. A sharp pain went through my knee and I ground my teeth in pain. I wasn’t alone, though.

A girl at the back of the group had also hit the ground and Arthit was at her side, screaming for help. “Nurse, please check her. Quickly!”

The other hazers came rushing over and I felt nervous when Knot appeared, glaring at the group. “Give her some space. Don’t look.”

“Hey,” M kneeled down beside me, breathing heavily. “You’re bleeding.”

I exhaled roughly, looking down at my knee. When I fell, my knee had fallen onto a medium-sized rock jutting out of the ground. It had ripped the fabric and cut open my skin. “I… I’m fi… ne…” I managed through heavy breaths. Glancing over my shoulder at the hyperventilating girl, I felt guilty. She seemed a lot worse off than I was and I’m glad they are paying attention to her and not me. “Help… help me up…”

M nodded, taking me by the arm and pulling as I tried to stand, but a sharp pain shot through my knee. A sound of pain slipped past my lips and I bit my lip hard, feeling the looks of those around me as they noticed that I, too, was down. That icy feeling filled my chest and I could feel panic setting in.

Kong kneeled down beside me with a frown. “It’s bleeding a lot, we need to call the nurse over.”

“No,” I cried, unable to stop the tears from falling. “No, I… I’m fine. I just… ah, gimme a minute…”

“What are you looking at?” Arthit snapped, his eyes scanning the crowd. Those that were looking at the other girl immediately snapped their attention forward. “I already told you, if you can’t handle it, you better leave right now. I can’t take responsibility for your life. If we have…” he paused. “If something like this happens again, I’ll just leave it be. And your friends will have to shoulder your punishment.”

Hearing his words made me feel even worse than I already did. I knew I was weak, but I didn’t want to let down my classmates or the hazers. I’m always letting people down, I just… I’m tired of it!

“You three, what are you doing? Stand up!”

I took a deep breath and held onto the two boys for support. It hurt like a bitch, but I was able to get up onto my feet. Walking was a different story…

“I’m sorry,” Kong apologized, his arm around my back to help me stay standing.

“No, don’t, please -“

But he ignored me, raising his voice as he looked at Arthit. “Aspen is hurt, her leg is bleeding.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “Kong, I’m going to kill you.“

“I know,” he smiled apologetically at me.

The students parted to let the nurse through, followed by the hazers. She kneeled down in front of me, putting her hand above my knee to check the wound. I winced in pain, clenching Kong’s shirt in my fist.

“You’ll have to come to the office so we can disinfect it,” she told me as she stood up. “Are you able to walk?”

“Um..” I glanced at Kong before slowly pulling my arm from his shoulders and trying to put weight on it. It hurt like a bitch and I could feel the warm blood soaking my slacks. “I-I can.”

“Are you sure?” she frowned, watching the way my legs shook beneath me.

I forced a smile and limped forward. I can do this. I have to do this. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone, I don’t want anything to get punished because of me. With every step, it felt as if the rock were still in my skin, pushing deeper into the burning cut. My legs were on fire, the muscles burning from not being used to the strain.

I followed the nurse to the back of the group, where her friends were still helping the other girl, and I caught Knot’s gaze for a moment. God, he must think I’m so pathetic. They gave her a moment before helping her stand up. She looked back at me to make sure I was okay before she glared at Arthit and started toward the school building, walking slow so we could keep up.

My head felt like it had been thrown into a dryer, the world spinning around me. I tried to focus on the girls in front of me, but it was getting increasingly harder to do so. I stumbled, trying to find my balance but instead, I found hands gripping my arms. I felt my right arm being tugged up and over someone’s shoulder, their arm around my waist as they took on most of my weight.

I don’t remember much of what happened from there. I didn’t black out, but it’s like my mind went to another place. I couldn’t stop thinking about Arthit’s words, replaying in my mind like some broken record. I am weak and I let my friends down. They’re going to be punished because I couldn’t keep up. And the hazers… they must be so disappointed. Though, they should be used to it by now, I’ve done nothing but disappoint them since day one.

Why am I like this? Why am I so weak and pathetic? Why can’t I just be a normal human being? More tears gathered in my eyes and I didn’t even try to hold them back. They were hot against my already burning cheeks and I knew they were bright red, along with my ears. I must look like such a fucking clown. I want to go home. Back to New York and that shitty little apartment. Back to my mom.

Mom… if I hadn’t been such a brat, if I hadn’t been so afraid, she’d still be alive today. Taeho never would have gotten remarried to a selfish bitch with stuck up kids. I wouldn’t be in Thailand. I don’t belong here – not in this country, not in this school… I don’t belong anywhere, do I?

A sob racked my body and I stopped walking, trying to sink to the floor but whoever was holding me wouldn’t allow it. I heard the nurse directing them to help me to the bed, but her voice sounded far away and distorted. I felt myself being gently pushed backward, guiding me to lie back onto a bed. Still, I kept my eyes screwed shut, but that did little to stop the tears from coming.

“Aspen, can you hear me?” Came a female voice. “I need you to try and calm down for me, okay? I’m going to treat your wound, it may hurt, but please try not to move. Do you understand?”

I forced myself to nod. I was faintly aware of the throbbing pain in my knee, but it was nothing compared to the anguish I felt in my heart. Everything was just so fucked up and stressful and I…

I don’t know how long it took, but my sobs started to calm down and I felt sleep creeping up on me. I didn’t have the strength to fight against it and I gave in, letting it claim me. The stress and pain started to fade as my mind was claimed by darkness.

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The first thing I registered was pain.

My knee stinging.

My head throbbing.

With a groan, I peeled my eyes open only to snap them shut at the bright flurescent lights shining above. It took a minute for my eyes to adjust and when they did, I slowly sat up, pushing the white cotton sheet off of me. Where the fuck am I? Definitely not Kansas, that’s for sure.

I went to move my legs to the side of the bed but pain shot through my right leg, making me hiss. Throwing the covers back, the first thing I noticed was that the right leg of my pants had been cut off above the knee. The second thing was the blood-stained bandage wrapped around said knee. It felt stiff when I tried to move it and it was hurting like a bitch.

“The fuck happened?” I muttered to myself, bringing my hand to my head.

“You don’t remember?”

I nearly jumped off the bed at the sudden voice, my head snapping toward the doorway. Prem was leaning against the doorframe, his arms folded over his chest. His face was blank, devoid of its usual angry expression. I straightened my back and lowered my head, clapping my hands together in front of me.

“H-Hello, sir…”

He pushed away from the door and grabbed one of the chairs by the other beds, setting it beside my bed before taking a seat. He repeated his question.

“Um…” I rubbed the back of my head, squinting at my leg. It was slow at first, coming back in fragments before everything hit me all at once. I remembered going to the hazing meeting, being forced to run back and forth. I remember being unable to continue and falling onto a rock, which is a pretty lame way to get injured really. I also remember Arthit’s words… and… “Ah! The girl, is she okay?”

He quirked a brow, leaning back in the chair with his arms crossed. “She’s fine.”

I sighed in relief, falling back against the wall behind the bed. “That’s good.”

“You should worry more about yourself,” he tapped my leg and I winced.

I frowned at the bandage. “Um… how long… have I been out?”

“An hour,” he answered.

That’s not too bad, but… why is Prem here? I wanted to ask him, but I was too scared to do so. I shifted my weight. “Um… Prem?”

“What?”

“I, uh… I’m sorry… What I said at the restaurant, I… I didn’t mean it.”

He didn’t reply and his face gave away nothing as he watched me. It made me uncomfortable, as if he could see into my soul or something. I was about to speak again when someone appeared in the doorway. It was one of the hazers.

“Prem, the meeting is about to start.”

Prem glanced at him before looking back at me. Without a word, he stood up and followed the other junior out of the room.

Well, that totally wasn’t awkward at all.

Shaking my head, I slowly shuffled over until my legs were dangling over the side. The wound stretched and burned, but the pain wasn’t as bad as it had been earlier.

“Oh good, you’re awake.”

I glanced up at the door, seeing Fang, one of the student nurses approaching me with a plastic bag in her hand. I put my hands together and bowed my head. “Hello, Fang.”

She smiled at me, setting the bag on the end of the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Um… my head hurts more than my knee, actually…” I rubbed the back of my head, giving her a sheepish grin. “If you don’t… mind my asking… um…”

“What is it?”

“Why was… Prem here?”

“You don’t remember?” she wondered, tilting her head to the side.

“Remember what?”

“He’s the one that helped carry you here.”

“He… what?” My eyes widened in surprise. Of all the hazers, I would never have guessed that he would be the one to help me… why? I would bet my favorite manga that he hates me.

She sighed, taking the seat that Prem had been sitting in. “He’s not a bad guy, but he definitely has a temper. All of the hazers care about you guys and they push you so hard because they care. Sometimes they do take things too far, though. I hope you won’t look too bad upon them for their actions.”

“I’ll… try my best.”

“That’s all any of us can do.” She smiled, motioning toward the bag. “You’re probably hungry, so I brought you some food.”

“Oh,” I took the bag, peering inside to find a sandwich, a bottle of juice, and an orange. “Thank you very much!”

“Of course! I’ll come check on you in a bit. You’re free to return to your dorm once you’re done eating, and if you need help I’ll call for one of the hazers to come get you.”

I definitely didn’t want that. It’s bad enough burdening someone at all, but one of the hazers? I’d rather endure the pain. I smiled at her, watching as she left the room. I wasn’t feeling very hungry because of my nerves, so I just took a couple bites of the sandwich, washing it down with a swig of juice that tasted healthier than it probably should have. After re-wrapping the sandwich in the plastic wrap, I placed the items back into the bag and slowly inched off the bed.

I tested my weight on it and, while it hurt, it wasn’t unbearable. I picked up the bag and stood up, looking for my boots.

“You’re awake!”

“Jesus!” I jumped in fright, my hand over my heart and face twisted in pain.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you okay?”

I glanced over at Tew as he approached me, looking concerned. I waved him off. “I’m fine, don’t worry. Do you see my boots anywhere?”

He glanced around and, when he spotted them, he headed over to grab them before setting them in front of me. “Here, let me.” He squatted down in front of me and I lifted my foot, keeping one hand on his shoulder for support.

“Thank you.”

“Of course,” he grinned, standing up and taking the bag from my hand. “You can walk okay?”

“Slowly, but yes.” We started toward the door and I felt guilty that he had to keep stopping and walking so slowly but I tried to push those feelings away. “Um… Tew?”

“Hm?”

“How much… trouble did I cause everyone?”

“Don’t worry, he let us go after the two of you were taken away.”

“And is she okay?”

“She is. She just needed to relax for a few minutes and then she was fine.”

“That’s good to hear,” I sighed.

Tew hummed. “What else is on your mind?”

“Well… did Prem really… help me here?”

“He did. He was pretty concerned about your injury.”

“Really?” My nose wrinkled. “Are you sure he wasn’t happy?”

“Positive,” he bumped his hip against mine with a playful smile.

We stepped out into the front room where Fang was sitting, looking through some papers at the table. She looked up and smiled. “Are you returning to your dorm?”

“I am. Thank you for your help, Fang,” I told her, putting my hands together and bowing my head.

“Happy to help. Try to take it easy for a bit until your injury heals. And here,” she picked up a small square of package. “Here are some pain killers. Make sure you take them if you start to feel pain, okay?”

“I will, thank you.” I took them from her, slipping it into my pocket.